I wake up in the morning feeling anxious. It gets so bad I feel physically ill. This causes me to miss a lot of work because I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything, and I’m not feeling well. I miss work from this, plus the days I’m sick from other reasons. So it adds up. T and Z believe I’m faking because I can appear fine today and be out tomorrow and come back the next day. They don’t know it’s from anxiety though. I just tell them I’m sick. They wouldn’t understand if I told them the truth. You could tell me to try it, but they’ll say it’s just an excuse or they have it too and can still deal with things. It’s not an excuse and I wish I could just turn it off. They may get anxiety every now and then, but my anxiety lever is broken and it’s stuck at On.
I don’t like this job anyway, but I think about quitting and it causes more anxiety for me, to the point of nausea and fatigue.
I hate it here. *anxiety*
I want to quit *anxiety*
I need money though. *anxiety*
I have to update my resume. *anxiety*
I have to go to interviews. *anxiety*
I have to impress strangers. *anxiety*
What if I can’t find a job. *anxiety*
What if the next place is worse. *anxiety*
What if I can’t pay my bills. *anxiety*
I have to find a new apartment (current boss owns mine). *anxiety*
What if it’s more expensive. *anxiety*
What if they don’t allow pets. *anxiety*
Etc, etc, etc.
Notice a theme?
Everything just keeps cycling through my head on repeat. I go to bed thinking of this shit, I dream of it, I wake up with it. I am a fucking mess everyday and I can’t see an end to it anywhere. Even if I do leave this job, it’s just going to continue.
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere anymore.
2 comments
I’ve been diagnosed with generalized anxiety so I know what it’s like to constantly be on edge. The nausea and fatigue are the worst; sometimes even crippling. I’m not sure if I can be of any help because I’m still dealing with it but find comfort in the knowledge that you’re doing better than a lot of people. Some people are so riddled with anxiety that they can’t hold a job, can’t maintain any relationships, etc. Don’t quit your job and see if you can just put up with it, you know you need the money. Unless you hate it so much it’s literally causing you to be miserable of course. Maybe you can force yourself to show up even on days you’re feeling extra anxious? I’d hate for you to get fired, you’d be in even more stress then.
I worked a job i hated for the bills. But as soon as i got home each day i worked on n updated my resume, looked for othwr jobs n went on interviews. Eventually i got fired. But i started with a new resume in my free time n took it from there. I struggled with fear of falling in debt. But i just get by, and i just keep working on it.