on the eve of a new year…

So welcoming with everyone with my first post i think i need to describe my problem-in order to pacify myself. Nobody has ideal life, mine wasn’t the worst, the best neither. Quarrels of father antagonised by his family against his wife and children, constant visits to doctors because of my illness, a sort of overprotectiveness of my mother, postponed socialisation with my peers – all this stuff caused that I have always felt alienated from others. This, plus that I have learnt a bit better than others, resulted in episodes of bullying, on which i reacted with aggresion, so tension have grown over time. I started to suspect paranoically almost all approaches of other people as suspicious, destroying many contacts, yet wanting them to continue to exist at the same time… This caused burdensome feeling of loneliness, aggravating with each year. Situation at home wasn’t better, marriage of my parents in sties, one sister being disabled, other siblings leaving home to study far far away… I felt I have nobody to talk to openly. At the age of 15, I started to hate myself. Every piece of me. The last resort for me was education. I studied quite well, passed exams well and started to study at the university. But at the same time I had several blows, one of the worst was the death of my grandmother with whom i was emotionally attached. I developed a sort of religious mania, believing with prayer i will help everyone, noone will die and everything will be o.k. During studies I finally made better relations with father. It is obvious, that after this very short period of time he died on cancer. I have finally experienced “enlightment”, or saying it in normal way i lost any faith in anything.  Meanwhile, as I think now, I started to developing self-destruction thoughts as a small child. They were quite innocent at first, childish dreams of dying saving others from a catastrophe or in a trench as a soldier.  Time passing-by, it developed in sth worse. When I’ve walked on the street, I dreamt that car rammed me etc. But this passive thoughts evolved. From some time on, I have periods when after closing my eyes I can think about one thing, projecting elaborate plans how to do it, what to write in the last letter, how should my funeral look like, who should be there then, wondering how others will react on the sight/news of my suicide, even wondering who should i call to force them watch me dying…  I would rather call those dreams fantasies, nearly sexual ones. The strangest thing is these thoughts give me respite, give me possibility to finally fall asleep. They give me strange mix of sadness and happiness at once and it’s quite strange. But I can talk about this quite freely with only 1 friend. When I tried to talk to family, I heard “do you imagine how we will suffer?” “you will take others after you!” “it is a sin!” or “don’t worry, it will be o.k.”. I feel heavier and heavier with this burden. This is probably why I’ve  written all this nonsense and taken your time to read this… Additionally, when I resolved bipolar test which I checked while studying at certain subject at uni, it showed severe bipolar. I think that this test might be biased by me learning about bipolar previously and connoting it with my case. But what if? What if all these desperate attempts not to do this ultimately will fail and i am practically condemned to s-u-i-c-i-d-e?