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Tired of Hiding Behind a Smile

by Ylem

I’m breaking. I’ve reached breaking point.

If I don’t talk to anyone about this, I will lose this battle. But I’m scared. I’m so scared to talk to anyone in my family. As much as they understand what I’m going through since they are going through the same thing, I doubt they do. (Not sure if that makes sense.) They will just tell me to tough it out like they always do.

Well… I’m so tired of being tough. I’m tired of having to pretend I am strong. I am so weak right now, I can hardly put up a fake smile. I can barely get out of bed. I’m crying my eyes out as I’m writing this. I’m in so much pain…

Why is the world so cruel? Why are people so cruel?

Someone help me make it through this day. I can’t take this anymore.

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12 comments

daitya1989 12/11/2015 - 1:20 pm

Just hold on.
Life is full of possibilities.

Hope your future is better than your past.

Be well. 🙂

Ylem31 12/11/2015 - 1:50 pm

I said it. In a fit of rage and anger. Between my sobs, I told my parents.
“I’ll be joining my brother soon.”
And what does my father say?
“Go ahead. I will bury you just as I did him.”
They never understand shit. I’m so fucking sick of this.
I need to hit something really hard. Otherwise, I’ll make the deepest cut ever.

daitya1989 12/11/2015 - 1:55 pm

I guess. Some pain has to be bear alone.

Don’t hit. Just watch friends 🙂
It helps me.
It’s the best tv show ever in history.

SayuriRosas 12/11/2015 - 1:52 pm

Let me tell you why are people are so cruel. People are cruel because they believe in God. That’s why people are cruel. Have you read the bibble? People who believe in God are cruel. They are judgmental. And wanna preach over you on whats right and wrong. Sin this, sin that.. And bla bla..

Hey you need a little demon to come rescue you.
The devil gives you a voice. a voice to defend yourself, a voice to clarify yourself. “Oh, I oversleep in. My alarm did not turn on, sorry”” Hey, I tookl some of your food I was just so hungry. I couldn’t stop myself there was no food around” [EBT for everybody]. Its not going to be one way, one direction way no more. The devil gives you a story(See the goodness and only the goodness of the devil in him) Our beautiful angel.

Allitends 12/11/2015 - 2:01 pm

I dont know what to tell you bro, after such pathetic comment from ur father your what ever it can be called.
But yes world sucks, Do you know that song from slipknot? ppl equal shit? just like that.

U need to stay strong and kick their asses, and you have friends right here to talk 🙂

SayuriRosas 12/11/2015 - 2:07 pm

Sometimes thing are so different from different angles. From one angle it seems like this. From one angle its seem something like this different.
Its not one way direction just. But there is another behind. What’s your perception idea. Are you hormal today, are you off mode, hyper yesterday but tire today? How about some sweet candy to get you hyper?
“Maybe” ..
can you not concentrate in class cause you have a worry inside?
“Yes”

So anyways, that’s how it is. Prioritizing is good so you don’t start excusing yourself to much.
but in order to prioritize like they prioritize you need to hear it from there point.

This is really important to be because of this and this and this. My mother believes that too. Me and my best friend and in keen completion about this.
” Oh ok” I am kind of getting it.

bla bla

SayuriRosas 12/11/2015 - 2:15 pm

The devil hears you and does not judges you. He can hear you out. And can help you.
You just got to believe in the goodness in him.

XoXo

SayuriRosas 12/11/2015 - 2:23 pm

And try not breaking the rules. There is an alive system to help you. You just got to remember. Its all there in your head.
and don'[t let people corner you with rules. That’s why we call upon liberty in this country to free ourself from those people how doesn’t want you be a little free.
or call upon flexibility- Communicate
The constitution was not written in stone. It can be flexible.
And we all need a little more help. A best friend

Ylem31 12/11/2015 - 3:00 pm

This really is a heavy metal moment.

Pa is a jerk. (I have other nasty words in my head, but I still love and respect the man despite everything.)

My mother is just hurt at the moment. She just asked what will become of her if I leave her as well. She’s the reason I’m still around. I have always stuck it out for her. For the entire family.

I have never said this ever before. A part of me wishes I didn’t say a thing, but still, I’m glad it’s finally out in the open. They won’t be too surprised when it finally happens. I just don’t think they really took me seriously though. I think they just assume it’s out of anger. I’m in too much pain to explain to them everything I have been dealing with for years now. Maybe I never will.

Zigzag 12/12/2015 - 4:15 am

I want to help, but I feel the same way myself.

Ylem31 12/12/2015 - 4:42 am

It’s okay. I wouldn’t want to burden you with my shit when you have your problems to deal with.
I just needed to let that out somehow. Since I have no one else to vent to, SP seemed like the right place.
Thank you for replying.

tiredthoughts 12/12/2015 - 6:43 pm

I am here if u want to talk. My words might not be wise. But i can try

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