Weather The Shot

I told you that you have a real shot. I don’t have to tell you that I’ve changed. I think you’ve already seen it and felt it. I think you know it deep down. You feel that I want nothing from you other than you to out live me by one more day. If he is your best shot at carrying you through to tomorrow than I’m his biggest fan. I’m man enough to admit that we’ll never work out or be the same as we were. Sure, its painful, but seeing hope arise in your eyes even for one more minute is worth a thousand eternities in my hell.

When you’ve lost it all and Death comes a’knockin’ you see what really matters in this life. I lost myself in a flurry of unbalanced neurotransmitters and inordinate emotional pain and an incessant rage that I shot every which way at anyone close by. After the dust and my mind has settled into this depressed state I’ve come to grips with who I was before all this pain. Found my heart underneath the grime and it’s still gold. I’ve gotten most of my affairs in order — with my website up and running, and a basic youtube tutorial video, and buying my grandmothers some flowers for christmas on their grave stones. I want them to know I’m coming soon.

I never told you this but you taught me what real love looks like. You fought my disease for two years. If there was something in this life close to unconditional love — it was you. I feel like I’m just beginning to feel that for you now — little too late — but I want to thank you for all you taught me, darlin’. You’re all that matters to me at this point. I’m so lucky to have met you. I just wanna see you smile even if its not me that does it.