I am married and 22yrs of age with no children. I have a loving husband with a very strong mind, a mum that’s been a Christian most of my life. I have reached a time in my life where I have thought deeply of committing suicide. I have pictured it happening, pictured me in a casket with my niece and nephew looking at me wondering why I’m lying there. I have seen my husband finding me and crying uncontrollably. I have seen my mum bed ridden for days. I am very upset at myself for seeing all of this because this is not me.
Being honest I really do not want to kill myself. But I do not want to live with this pain that seems so much worse than death. I cannot pinpoint why I am feeling this way. I am writing this in hope that there may be another way through even though the odds are stacked against me. If theres anyone out there who can help please reply. Thank you for listening.
2 comments
I’m so sorry you reached this point in your life. I think it’s really important to remember that part – that it isn’t you. I feel like depression has changed me so much and taken away who I am in lots of ways. When I think about suicide, my reality usually feels warped and twisted. The way it affects my mind, and sometimes the act of suicide itself, doesn’t feel like something I can control. But knowing that the thoughts are there but this isn’t really who you are can be helpful. I know in my case the suicidal thoughts are an effect of depression, which there isn’t always a clear explanation for.
Usually when you mention suicide or depression to people, they recommend seeing a doctor and trying medication and/or therapy. It’s important to be physically safe from harming yourself if you’re worried that things are out of your control, and people find ways out of those feelings by trying to get help in those ways. I just want to add: I got a long-term physical condition last year, where the only chances of recovering were through luck and time or alternative treatments. When I was looking for help for that condition I found alternative treatments for depression too, including alternative therapies and other treatments (such as TMS) that are still new and not as widespread or well-known as established treatments like antidepressants. Expense can be an issue, and there are people who really exploit people’s desperation when they’re suffering long-term, but there are people who have recovered using lesser-known methods of recovery, and treatments that were scoffed at in the past but are becoming a lot more mainstream. You never know when you’ll find a hidden gem. I haven’t come far in trying any yet, but I’ve read about people being cured of severe, long-term depression when they’d tried lots of standard treatments that hadn’t worked. So whether you’ve tried any or not, keep in mind that people who have had those thoughts for years have found help. If you don’t give up on the search, your odds will drastically improve. I’m sorry I don’t have a more specific answer, but I hope you can manage to keep searching for a way out of the pain. I understand how it feels to be in this kind of pain – as I’m sure everyone does on this site – so know that you aren’t alone here. 🙂
Thank you