Apparently I post on this site every 6 or so months when my suicidal ideation hits an all-time high. Funny how that coincides with the schedule for final exams. Today I actually wrote down a step-by-step checklist for everything I need to do in order to kill myself, including all of the necessary preparations regarding my belongings and funeral arrangements. The list is remarkably coherent and logical despite the fact that I wrote it during an intensely hysteric episode.
I already tried to stop myself from ideating and plotting. I read those “X Reasons Not To Kill Yourself” lists and the like, but I found it quite easy to counterpoint their reasoning with my relentless pessimism:
“You still have a bright future ahead of you! You have dreams you want to achieve.” I have no dreams. One source of the anguish in my life is my utter lack of direction or goals.
“There are people who love you!” I’m sure they hate me as much as they love me. 1.) I’m insufferable. 2.) I’m a financial and emotional burden. They’ll get over my death with time.
“Things will get better.” Oh I know that. Life has its ups and downs, but quite frankly the ups just don’t have enough gravity (hah, pun) to alleviate the downs (this pun is contradicting itself?). For every happy moment in life, there is a terrible, distressing moment as well. And my diseased mind has a habit of making good things taste bad anyway.
In the end, what is the point? We’re all waiting to die anyway. I could die in a car accident tomorrow or in a week or in a year. What’s the big deal if I off myself right now? Life unlived? I think I’m okay with that.
1 comment
Uh. Can agree with that, the counterpoints about those articles, they are just a try hard move xD
And yeh world if full of bullshit crap theories, they mean nothing, they are just theories, stories. It does not happen to all of us.
Im not the best person to recommend you anything, just want to tell you that i relate.