I have always fallen in love with everything. When I was a little girl it was great. I was happy all the time. Life was full of magic and beauty and I was lucky enough to get to be part of it all.
But now I am grown up, now I understand things that I didn’t when I was young. I feel like I see everything. I still see all the beauty and wonder and hope, yet I also see the pain and misery and destruction. I see it everywhere. I see lost youth, lost health, lost happiness. I see people and animals who feel trapped, who are lost, who have fought too hard for too long for survival. I see the looks on faces of people who think no one is watching. I watch quietly as they bury their heads in their hands in despair. And if I try to hide from it, it follows me. News reports tell me about terrible things happening all over the world, Facebook shows me pictures and stories of people and animals, and each of them is the saddest creature I have ever known. I see the homeless on the street, I smile at my colleague as she smiles at me and tells me she thinks her ex will finally be able to pay child support and that his visitation got changed and she thinks things are finally going to get better for her and her children, but I can see the pain deep inside of her.
And I love them still, but I can’t help them. I see everything slowly dying. Friends, family, strangers, pets, plants. Everything. I cry for them almost every day. I try to be selfish and only work on myself and try not to worry about them, but that never lasts more than a couple weeks at most. They get mad when I lie and say I’m doing fine, everything’s good, I feel great, but if I tell them the truth it only hurts their hearts more and I can’t bear that. I know I scare them sometimes. I know they worry about me too. I wish I could make it better for them. I am so scared of death, but at the same time I want it so badly. I can’t stand this pain anymore.
Looking back, this entire thing is filled with the letter I way too much. I feel bad for making it all about me. But there is I again. It’s their pain and suffering but here I go, making it about me. I’m sorry.
2 comments
Seems like best posts always go commentless.
I don’t know what to say though. I always tremble while talking to honest people because i feel like i might say something stupid and it might hurt them genuinely.
There are so many similarities with myself in the things you wrote. It’s not really the specifics of what you said but how you said it, little things like being conscious of how many times you use the word “I”, the way you always mention animals as well as people. Minor semantics like that can often give you a clearer idea of a person than what they’re actually saying. If that’s the case, all I can suggest is what applies to me: keep going even though beauty is gone. Keep going because you have the right idea even though it hurts like hell. Do NOT try living for yourself because you’re better than that. Live for your purpose.