I’m still alive.
It’s been a while since the last time I posted here and to be quite honest I thought it was because I was getting better but I think that’s just a lie I keep telling myself so I don’t try to commit again. Lately I’ve been feeling quite down and have (LITERALLY) no friends to vent to and before this becomes into something more than it should I decided to come back and just, if not vent, at least just .. write .. about anything and everything, if that makes sense.
It’s going to be the anniversary of my last attempt and I feel kinda proud cuz I haven’t self harmed at all since then. I can’t say that I don’t think about killing myself again, because honestly, I do. Every single day. Yet it hasn’t come to a point that I’ve planned what I want to do and stuff like that. I mean I have an idea of what I want to do next, if it comes to that point, but who knows.
Also I’ve been feeling quite lonely, especially since I have literally no friends like I said before, and still single. I’ve been dealing with my self image lately but it’s really hard when you’ve been dealing with an eating disorder for more than half your life and you’re still not as pretty (thin) as you’ve been wanting to be. It’s even harder because this past year things were somewhat good but since I haven’t shown much depression “symptoms”, which is what my mom likes to call it, my family is still acting the way that they know hurts me yet they don’t give an actual fuck.
And it’s even harder when I have no one to vent to, hence me being here once again.
So please forgive the somewhat long rant and look forward to seeing more of me, because classes are starting again next week and I need all the venting I can possibly can for me to not try to kill myself once again.