It’s 4.15 am. Had horrible nightmares and awake since then. It’s been hours and it’s been years. I can’t sleep properly.
I won’t say all 365 days are like this. I guess, I have okayiesh days also, I won’t say good or wonderful because 2015 was the wrost year of my life.
I was a failure in 2015 at many tasks, two of them were, giving lot of happiness to my soul mate and ending this miseryful life. But I guess these two tasks can’t be completed at once. I failed lots of times at killing myself. In 2015 I was too close to finish the task but I stopped and she is the only reason that keeps me alive. Because before she came, I tried quite a few times and failed. I am eternally grateful to her. I don’t know what she sees in me. She is light and I’m darkness. But still loves me. She looks like an angel and I’ve a below average look. The sound of her voice == peace, and the sound of my voice == completely opposite of peace. She is kind, generous. And I’m feeling less.
I guess, I’m diverted. I was telling about my nightmare. It’s evil. All I can say for now is it hurts alot. Why the almighty is torturing me like this?
Feeling sleepy. Hope I have a nightmare free sleep.
7 comments
Nightmares are a pain in the neck plus they can be very weird sometimes (or maybe that only happens in my head 😛 ).
Maybe the almighty is jealous of your girlfriend!
J/K
I’m glad you have someone special in your life. Although i would recommend you being cautious, love can be hurtful sometimes.
Yeah, probably he is jealous. 😛
Thanks 🙂
2015 was a shocker for me too. I’m having nightmares but when I wake I’m happy to go back to sleep, bad dreams nothing compared to reality.
You obviously have good qualities you choose to overlook, that’ll be what she sees in you. You beat yourself down like so many of us, something that’s hard not to do when it becomes a way of life.
Are you talking to anyone about your feelings? Other than through a computer screen(my only safe release as I share nothing in person)
It’s bad. We are already suffering enough. Atleast we should have a nice sleep.
I guess, a nice sleep == peace and happiness.
But almighty doesn’t want us to have a little peace and happiness. Atleast it’s true for me.
I have good dreams (strangely enough I don’t want to die in these or in my nightmares – wtf) but mostly nightmares. They aren’t a typical nightmare I’m sure most would say they are bad or strange dreams. But the message is always the same – you are going nowhere. You failed. The most reoccurring nightmare is where I cannot get out of bed, which might be strange if i want to die, but problem is… I’m not dead there. Its actually a nightmare, I am laying there numb and cant move at all. This isn’t actually happening, I am serious. It is a nightmare, I then wake up and realize that I can move. And that nightmare is gone…
After the NZ earthquake I began to have recurring nightmares; and yes one of them was an earthquake.
I cant explain it at all. Its almost like they are deliberately causing me to deteriorate.
Ones about sexual abuse, about having sex with lots of people (i have morals thank you, so i hate this), liking sex and nudity even though i don’t…
Ok enough of that… Being chopped up by the ceiling fan, cyclones, earthquakes, fires… Oh, the first fire nightmare was from a long time ago but i did not have alot of nightmares then… nowhere, nothingness, nothing, ending, ….
I even have nightmares about people very severely emotionally abusing me; everything I do is completely wrong. I’ve been treated like shit alot… Well, its certainly not the worst, I feel like I’m whining…
one example of a nightmare: in a shopping centre, huge table, massive… Some people sitting on table, tiny tiny people, jump off the table, walk around, all the shops are closed, (can’t remember what happened in between sorry), So i walk outside eventually and buy some food from a takeaway place (which was completely outside lol). I’m normal size for some reason now – get into the car, drive off, car park is normal but it slowly changes into spirals, into nowhere. Nothing. Its all over the fucking place. In my face. Then it crashes like some computer game. Wtf
A more recent one (I’m shortening this): go and order food, outside stall/kitchen outside of a shopping centre. I asked for chicken, gravy and vegetables, it looks like nobody else did, so I went inside shopping centre, sat down for hours with my parents, said nothing the whole time (wtf), went to an ATM, checked it; low amount of money… well i am poor in real life too…, SO THATS RIGHT, I NEVER COLLECTED THE FOOD. I COMPLETELY FORGOT. WTF?!?!?! So only later I see another stall outside another part of the shopping centre, noticing they were putting chicken, vegetables and gravy into the rubbish bin. I thought oh that must be mine, how did I not remember?!?! Then i woke up I think…
call these ‘bad dreams’ all you like, but they have affected me over a period of time, and not in a good way. I can get crippled..
Curious…are you on any sleeping meds or take any meds at night time?
I feel bad for you. I hope you will find happiness and peace one day.
I too feel that someone will hurt the people I love. Mostly my love. I hate myself for thinking like this. I hate myself being such a coward. That’s why I always like to stay at home. But my home is like prison to me where I’m tortured by my thoughts.
Do one thing sister. Please don’t feel bad for yourself. You don’t know what will happen tomorrow, things may get ugly or beautiful. So forgot tomorrow. I know today also sucks. But for now, just try to be happy. 🙂
I know my advice is meaningless and it doesn’t make any sense. But still try to smile. 🙂