failure to die, need advice

(edit: please please please give advice. i dont know anymore)

(edit2: this problem has mostly been resolved, but any and all advice would be helpful up until this monday <3)

hey guys. i need your help, please. well, i guess a lot of people need help. whatever.

i’ll just start by telling the whole story. this all happened this morning and last night.

i was on twitter, and i was done with life. i was dm-ing with my friend, we’ll call her. . . sam. sam is a neurotypical. she is straight and cis. she has a loving family and a nice life.

basically, i was telling her that my life is horrible. it’s been pretty bad for a looong time. and i dont feel like living anymore. that i was gonna kill myself. i pretty much said, ‘im done’

then, ‘bye’

i saw her reaction. it was the usual ‘no! i’ll be so sad without you!!1!’. but i was done caring by that point. i kept watching twitter, but i made sure not to retweet or favorite anything. i could’ve been dead. (i wanted to be dead)

an hour-ish later, i got a dm from another friend (she is sam’s friend, too). lets call her beth. anyway, beth was super chill and was just like, ‘hey, u ok? sam is worried abt u’.

i didnt reply. i didnt do anything.

i wanted to be dead to them.

so the next morning, im still done. i knew what i was going to do.

i’ve been taking concerta for about 8 years now. i know that an overdose doesn’t always kill. trust me, i’ve tried.

so i walk downstairs, go straight to the cabinet full of meds, and take at least 10.

throughout the day, i have terrible heart palpitations, i dissociate, i have headaches, i get nauseous, i throw up. the usual. like i’ve said, i’ve done this before.

but this time, im planning on getting numb enough to finally overdose on the other meds in the cabinet. i’ve never actually had the guts to do it before. these ones are sure to kill me.

but, i didnt do it. i dont even really know why. im pissed and embarrassed. i just want to be done!! i just want to die!

ok. so this is where my problem comes in. please help.

a couple hours ago, sam dm-ed me and pretty much said, ‘hey, i know ur alive.’ and then she tried to help me.

i didnt respond at all, of course. i should be dead to her! why cant i just be dead??

the only reason she might know is from my tumblr. all today i’ve been posting ‘queued’ posts that are similar to suicide notes, i guess. sorry. i think it was a cry for help. but i cant delete them or she’ll know im alive.

but also im pissed because she probably thought i wouldnt go through? she thought i was joking? i fucking hate neurotypicals, ugh.

so, what do i do?? i dont want to go overboard and make it seem like im definitely dead. she could call the police and one thing would lead to another and i could be put on more meds. or taken off them. some of you guys probably know my pain.

but i dont wanna just go out and say, hi. im alive. i dont really want to share why, but its important that i dont do that.

at the moment, im planning on just tweeting a random thing sunday night. so they’ll know i didnt kill myself. but how do i confront my friends on monday? please help.