- 35 year old white male….educated, athletic, comedic, drug addict, truth searcher, lazy, the average person would say I have so much to offer…..I see there is no purpose, but I know many are in pain….., I really want to know if people who really believe they are happy have a gene switched on that allows them to believe their own lies, somehow my father understands all of this but is content with life…..playing golf and gambling….I honestly don’t know how he does it, I guess I am afraid to die since I have been suicidal since I was 10. I can make anyone laugh, make them afraid, make them think, but these are all just games to relieve myself from boredom and wanting to end this. I love alcohol, crack cocaine, physics, the truth, baseball, beating people in sports and being smarter than them. Mainly, I feel like I just want my parents to die so I can end this. I know they love me, and I don’t want them hurt even though their pain would be over eventually. I even stand to inherit a lot of money but I really think once they go, I will be right behind them. I made a very honest attempt throughout my life to figure things out. I do have a misgiving, however, and it deals with my drug use. I have smoked crack probably 700 out of the last 750 days and off and on since I was 22. In this horrible existence, life, and consciousness I have had to deal with, it is truly the only experience I look forward too. I guess, mentally, I know my outlook is true and correct, but I second guess that if that addiction wasn’t there….would I be able to lie to myself like the average person maybe enjoy life???? Basically, I would love to find some way to be sober and do nothing but help people. However, the paradox is painful….am I helping them just so they can live a life that has no meaning as well??? Am I actually helping???? …..and the feeling from crack has me gripped…..there really is nothing better…..when I know there really is no purpose it seems to be the only logical choice…..keep smoking crack and not die or die……I know that nw6othing or no one is to blame for existence….so there isn’t a lot of hatred with me……I just don’t know why I am afraid to die, I know it would be better than life…..or maybe smoking crack really is that much fun…..there is a part of me that believes we are alive in a fascinating time and that technology will allow us to live for a few hundred years….it would be nice to see what science reveals in that time as far as finding out more of the truth and reality, however, there is still no purpose or meaning…..basically…..every time I see a potential path….I don’t get but a few steps and the weeds, trees, brush, etc. have grown over it already….my mind will always shut the door. It won’t allow me to lie to myself about my and everyone else’s true situation. Life is a nightmare, crack addiction is a nightmare, and being afraid to die is also a nightmare……what do you think?
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i wrote something similar to you a few days ago, i deleted it since though because i hate exposing myself, even when i’m anonymous. the part about how we all just tell ourselves lies to delude ourselves into thinking our lives have meaning and that we’re important.
i’m not afraid to die, once you die you won’t feel anything. i’m afraid of killing myself though, i don’t want to hurt my family, and i’m afraid of failing and giving myself brain damage or something.
i’ve never been addicted to drugs, i used to have MDMA when i went out to clubs with a group of friends but i stopped hanging out with them because they were shallow and full of delusions that i wasn’t bothered to validate anymore. i don’t have access to any drugs now, which is probably a good thing.
i hope you get off the crack… it’s gotta be unhealthy right?
wait what you posted this like two days ago…
I posted this months ago, but decided to post it again about an hour ago.
I posted like 9 months ago, but just reposted an hour ago….
I remember reading this post about 8 months a go. Hey thanks for re-posting. I wish I had words of encouragement but I don’t. I hope you find something to enjoy about life even if there’s no meaning to it. Death scares me to death too.
Thank you for this . I feel the same exact was as you .
I hate waking up, mostly because each day has nothing to offer to me.
I imagine my life in a couple of years , starting a career and settling into a house ,
But I don’t think that that will even make me
The least bit happier.
I go on everyday feeling like it’s pointless . I wish I had hope or faith in something but I don’t .
I feel like I know too much about the world already and I’m 18. But I am ignorant to the world, and I’m afraid to see what my mind is capable of knowing.
I hate to get out of bed . I wish I could sleep forever . Going to class and working just distract me from what I really feel.
I used to like drugs . I did them all through highschool. Molly, Coke , you name it . It would make me happy for a while, but then it would go away .
I like to drink . Maybe a little too much . I just end up making a fool of my self or falling asleep .
I just don’t see a point to anything. And I don’t know why I have to try .
it wont matter when there is that instant moment of a change happening in your life. u have lived this life so long its inevitable to go back to it even if you broke free from it. and thats hardly judgement, i think of it as walking back and forth from one room to another. i grew up around the drug scene but i was completely naive toward it. eventually that life style killed my parents. one might think change would occur in such tragedy. all it did was open a door to others and their stories abt their lack of parents. they say ppl change ppl, people let other people change them etc. when really we all hate ourselves deep down, too insecure, and unsure. we are an obsessional breed.
the observer versus the participate