relapse

As eminem would say, i`m having a full blown relapse. I stopped taking anti depressants a while ago. I tried different ones, different doses, took them for years. None of them worked out for me, they all made me feel nothing. I still prefer the pain over just nothing. I now use all kinds of drugs. Sometimes they give me a feeling that is close to being happy. But sometimes they make me feel the pain and hear the voices even more. I tried killing myself a fuew days ago. Had the rope ready, ant in total drunkenness i fell of the chair and woke up next morning. Im afraid of myself. My head is just full of these voices, and as a graphics designer its making my job real hard. The suicide thought is just making more and more sense every day. My love life is, well not existent, except for one night stands which make me hate myself even more. I don’t have a social life. Most of the time i just want to be alone. The last years didn’t bring any good to me. lost all friends, lost the person who replaced my parents to cancer, practically in my arms. So now i’m just alone, every night, in my flat knocking my self out. trying to make it a bot more bearable. And each and every night i hope that the day will never show its face. I don’t know what i am still fighting for. Maybe i just don’t have the balls to do it.