I think some things are triggers. Sports for example. I used to love riding, and I still do, but trips to see my horses and traveling to shows have resulted in suicidal thoughts. I keep thinking about how I would do it. Some days, I don’t think I could stand by the train tracks and stop myself from jumping in front of the incoming train. There is only one thing that keeps me from doing this: my horses. I can’t stop imagining the look on Prince’s face when my parents tell him I’m not coming any more. He won’t get anymore cookies from me. He wouldn’t understand, but in a way he would. He’s smart enough to recognize my absence. My other horse would notice as well. At this point, I couldn’t careless about my parents’ reaction. My friends would be shocked. How could a “straight A student” with a bright future and an amazing talent for riding just decide to commit suicide? My barn “friends” would be overjoyed. Surprised, of course, but happy all the same. I don’t think my teachers would understand. I’ve become so good at hiding my true feelings and wearing a mask of happiness at school. Everyday, I become an actor. I can’t see myself graduating or getting the job of my dreams. I lie to my parents, but they don’t understand anyways. I can’t remove the mask anymore. I can’t control my thoughts about suicide or depression. I have no control over anything.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
6 comments
If you are straight A student, if you are lucky enough to have friends. Also horses. What is making you suicidal? You have many good things in your life, thing that could make even your life better in the future.
If a person like me, that it is stupid, unworthy and I do not know how many more negative things more is here, writing to you and trying to find her wait out in life. I am pretty sure you can do the same with all the things you already have.
Sometimes, no one understand our feelings, maybe no one never will understand us. Because to know what a person is feeling, you must live it yourself. Then do not wait or expect anyone to understand how your are feeling, no now, and no in the future. Nothing will change for you, no matter how hard you try to explain yourself.
Take Care.
I do have a lot in life. I understand how privileged I am. But I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of the expectations I’m not able to fulfill. I don’t want to have to fake everything or deal with so much pressure. Friends? I’ve never had a best friend. If my friends were really “my friends”, then they would be able to understand my feelings or help me like I help them. Sometimes I’m happy for my success and my privileged life, but other times I can’t stand to look at my report card. Why fill your life with material things and always live up to expectations? Why not surprise someone by showing them who you really are. I’m tired of faking my perfect life everyday at school. Sometimes I want to fail a class or fall off at a competition just to show how bad I really am.
Prince, you do not need to fake your life, do not do that.
Material things and expectations, never should be the center of anyone life. But, money help in hard moments. If you need to move out of your house, and you have money, you can do that and change your reality. If you want to live close to your family and you have money, you can do that too. If you want to work and you do not find a job and you have money you can start your own business. If you want to help people around living and needing help and you have money, you can also do that.
Expectations are the roots of many disappointments in life. Then do not live with that, just plan your future, and make goals that are attainable. And work toward that. I can wish to be one of the best students of the school, the one graduating Summa cum laudem, but If I know that I am not too smart or that It take make a lot to learn, I cannot expect that. I have to lower my expectations and accept my reality. Or I can just put my expectation really high and work toward that even so I know that I will never reach the top. I use to do that, and go far beyond my limits always. What could be a good or a bad thing.
I wish I could say like you, I want to fail to show others that I am not so smart, that I am not an A student and show them how I am feeling. But I am not like you. I do not like to show my pain, no because I feel shame, I do it, for not causing pain in others. I am not ashamed to show how really I am. Princess, trust me, it is better to be smart like you, to be an A student, than be like me, and on top of that, have people over you laughing at you, hurting you, humiliating you or bullying you because you are stupid or dumb for them.
Continue working toward your degree, continue getting straight A, and work for you, no for showing others anything or to prove others anything.
I wish you the very best. See the future, you will graduate with honors, you are an A student, you will find a job and you will be happy.
I used to want to jump in front of a train, end my life just like that. But I began to think.. What if my life didn’t just end? Blank, done, over. Suppose i jumped and landed in the track and got ran over.. I would have to be lucky that it would just work out that way
Because if it didn’t tgen it could be the most excruciating painful death, or life.. If I live through it and survive. Once I began to really think of that method. I changed ny mind. Because I xould live through it and be in more imaginable pain physically and mentally.
I’ve reconsidered the consequences if the train method fails. However, every method has a failure rate. I don’t have access to a handgun or pistol. But you’re right. It’s not just about the method. It’s about why you’re doing it. I don’t think I have a lot to live for anymore. But if I hadn’t made myself wait every time I felt suicidal, I would have been dead along time ago. I also think about what my note would say and what last wishes I would right down.
I hope you reconsider not just your method of choice, but your reason all together and give yourself more time. Talk it out more