Time has come. The moment when I feel like my ressources are becoming too thin to help me deal with the damages caused by a series of traumas that happened for seven years, leaving me with sole compagny our dear friend depression and collateral damages for over ten lovely springs. The urge to kill myself has been within me for so long that it shaped my life, my personnality and most certainly my abailities. Nethertheless, there are people I love and who care about me so I cannot make the jump as I think is the case for many other peeps around here. This attachement that I seek also leaves me frustrated to no ends because no matter how great those people are, they add up some more glue at my feet, making me feel more stuck that before I’ve met them. I will enjoy every second of their compagny but the second I am back at my place, I will curse and plan a hypothetical plan that would make them want to leave me for good.
I don’t have many friends, which is actually a relief (less time spending in smiling like an idiot so I don’t get intrusive questions from their part) and they are the kind of people who vision life as something not necessarily perfect but rather alright which is too uncomprehensible. So, coping skill to compensate : talking to myself most of the time spent at home. I visualize situations which involves peoples I often times already know and I imagine by hearing them what they would say or ask (positive or negative) and sometimes, because being naughty is also fun, imagine them being overly positive towards me -which usually happens when Good Mood decides to show its tits- or overly negative if really this mascarade of live needs to find its bloody Finale -the later being less fun after some drinks. Overall, great internal social skills.
Also, I am a procrastinator so I am not going to finish this post. Would rather read some posts for now.
2 comments
@Malocoqsix: I’m just getting to read this now. I’ll be around tonight checking the forum if you want to talk. Sounds like you are having a tough day.
Just wanted to let you know I’m listening and thinking kind thoughts about you. I don’t really recognize your user name, so I am thinking perhaps you are one of the people that hovers around the fringe of SP in a cloud of souls.
Hey, just read this. I do relate to many things that you wrote, but i’d say that the fact that there’s people that do care about you, doesn’t mean that you have to push them away in the worst of ways just so you can end your life. Plus, there’s also the fact that your plan might backfire and they’ll end up even more worried about you so… yeah, that might happen to.
People… well, there’s all kind of people. Some have happy go lucky attitudes toward life, others are the realistic, or pessimistic type… you name it. That doesn’t make their pov any less valid tho, and in a way, even if you find it incomprehensible, hey, they might find us suicide prone folks incomprehensible too. So even if being positive towards life is weird for me… maybe something could be learned from your friends.
+1 on what Hazy said about too. If you care to share a bit more about your situation i’ll be around to read.