I’m not sure I’ll ever get over my self-esteem issues, which is to be expected, I suppose. But in the midst of being undecided about whether to continue hanging on, and trying, or just peacing out (am err’ing on the side of ‘choose life’), I also don’t think it’s fair to subject anyone else to it.
I’m just so amazingly insecure sometimes. Some days, I feel okay, as if I can cope and function. And then I lapse again.
I can’t even watch porn or enjoy fapping, without thinking about the guy I like having sex with somebody else. It’s not that I see other people as a threat; I’m just terrified. It’s not necessarily that I see other people as a threat. There’re always going to be people out there who are ‘better‘ than me in some respect, to varying degrees, which is normal. In my head, I worry that I’m replaceable (which we technically all are), and that it’s inevitable that I’ll be dropped. Murphy’s Law basically. I have a problem with sometimes feeling the need to be XYZ superlatives.
Maybe I just don’t think I’ll ever feel ‘good enough‘, to the point where I subconsciouly jeopardise relationships that are important to me.
And then it’s like everything is suddenly so simple, and I think “Fuck, just go with the flow like you used to,” for the sake of not driving something that means so much to me further into the ground.
God, I think too much.