Recently the depression has really been picking up and the desire to just end everything has gotten so much stronger.. I’ve been thinking a lot about the consequences of suicide and just feeling awful about it.
It’s like bang – gone – no more pain – rebirth or silence but at least escape – but then the thoughts of my family at my funeral, the friends who I have made future promises too, people I love and know I would hurt… Why does an act that ultimetely reflects a life long struggle and is truly personal have such a ripple effect? Why can’t I end my own pain without hurting others?
I do not want to leave my brothers empty like that. Or my mom so broken. But the big problem is that I either can’t or just am unwilling to adjust and conform to a world that is so fucked up and chained. I can’t understand it but can’t escape this life. Why would I want to contribute to this society? Why would I want to be a part of all this bullshit? Why would I want to slave at a desk for the daylight hours just so I can have two days off by the end? If I’m lucky? All so that by the end of 50 years, when my cartilage is ground to my bone, I can sit on a mortgaged property two feet from an identical house – proclaiming, I am free?
In the end death is liberty. Unchained from this broken life, this ugly body, away from this tortured land, I dream of my soul finally escaping into the peaceful abyss of silence and nothingness. Maybe if life is suffering, death is escape. I just wish there weren’t so many consequences.
5 comments
You have a special way of describing the pain you’re going through.
Yes, it is in fact one of the two main reasons I am hesitant about suicide.
The pain that will affect family, yes, but its ultimately feeling shame for the actions, even though I’ll be dead by the time.
My name will be painted in shame.
I don’t care about family, but I don’t want them to care, either.
That is the problem.
Some people call suicides weak and cowardly. No. Their judgement comes from a lack of understanding and means nothing. If anything we’re just at a very vulnerable point in our lives. There’s nothing shameful about a person who ends their life. It’s the society we live in that makes it seem so. Everyone has a limit. There’s only so much one can take. It’s not fair to say so-and-so is an embarrassment to the family simply because he couldn’t go on any longer. Most likely he did the best he could with the strength he had. We have nothing to prove to anybody. As far as I know our duty here is just to exist and have a human experience. I’m not going to be pressured, forced, or obligated into living by anyone. I care what others think of me, but I’m not going to let them dictate the direction I take my life. If I decide I want to end my life, then I have the authority and right to do so. If for some reason they have a problem with that, then that’s their business. At times you have to think about what’s best for you and trust your heart.
I truly enjoyed and related to your post, this part really made sense to me:
“Why does an act that ultimetely reflects a life long struggle and is truly personal have such a ripple effect? Why can’t I end my own pain without hurting others?”
What people don’t understand is the life long struggle part and how it kills your motivation when your suppose to get up every day and try again when it’s pretty obvious that your not winning the struggle.
There’s no other way around it. I care about my family too, and wish there was another way out without hurting them, but there isn’t. You’re just going have to accept the fact that it’s going to devastate 5-10 people for a lifetime. I tell myself it’s only 5-10 people. Just 5-10 people who love and would miss me…
They won’t understand why I hurt them. But in the end, it’s just one family who’ll lose a loved one, not a 100. People die all the time for various reasons, not just suicide, and all death essentially hurts the same. Hurting family is possibly the biggest con on a list, but it’s simply the cost of suicide. And, for freedom. Which do you choose: freedom from this awful place, or family, whose lives are short anyway? I know there’s an obligation to live for certain people, especially after they’ve invested so much in you, and that you’ll get the freedom that comes with death regardless whether or not you take your life. So why not live? I guess it all depends on how strong your desire is to leave this place.
I feel the same way slaving away to work for today’s break to buy a property then to say I’m free is this all life has to offer ?