Reaching out, maybe I’ll get some insight or relate with someone.
To start, I don’t want to commit suicide. I would however welcome the embrace of death. So if it must come by my own hands, it’s something that will take time to build courage.
See, I don’t really want to die. I’m just failing to see another option. I’m trapped, currently. Bound in captivity. Not a situation I can fight through. I’ve been fighting for years. Though I may win a battle here and there, it’s clear I’m losing the war. I can’t escape, or run away. There are many dependant on me. So what will they do when I’m gone?
They’ll be forced into self sufficiency. Something I have requested repeatedly. Just go, and let me be. No they say. They preach, and demand. They burn and destroy. Devouring every shred of hope and joy I find. So alas, I cannot beat them, I cannot flee them. My only options are continuing on, every day sinking lower or to end it all.
Maybe they’ll learn when the blood is on their hands.
5 comments
I am in a similar situation > so you are not alone in this. I do not want to kill myself (I used to but not anymore) , but I also wish my life would come to an end. SO well I go about my days doing my best to enjoy every moment… but part of me wishes my life would be over, as I have had it really hard in life and still have it hard. Well I just wish and hope that things get better for ALL Of us here on SP forum. thats about all I can do.
Thanks for the well wishes. I was starting to feel pathetic and insane hitting the refresh wondering if anyone cared… I do try to enjoy those precious good moments. Even though they make the rest so much harder. Proof of how content I’d be if I just could break away…
I understand about people wishing to be no more but not wanting to or lacking the courage to end it and being forced into a life of having to make do with little, sounds so familiar. Life can seem so pointless and living for others can seem doubly pointless, but many do struggle through life because of dependants; for me, I’m on my own, but with that comes loneliness. It’s true what you say, once dead, people around won’t exist for us as we cease to exist for them, but it’s still difficult because we can’t help but to imagine our suicide and the effect it will have on those around us. I have felt bitter to people in the past, even though I’ve never communicated it to them, because they made my suicide harder, it seemed they forced me to stick around so not to hurt them even when I wish to die. What can I add to this ramble, only that, as you stated at the beginning of your post, yes, people can relate to one another here on SP, I hope it helps you, and that you can find a way to reverse the decline.
I can relate to everything you said. I had people depending on me when they were able to care for themselves but refused to. I did not want to live yet did not want to take my own life. I broke free and ran away. Eventually coming back after they had to be self sufficient. It was not easy. I did not feel good about the way i handled things. I would have done it differently if I could have figured out another way. But I did what I did right or wrong. And I didnt have to die. Things are a little better now but the depression in my own mind has not gone away. And I still feel guilty
I wish I could run away. Given the situation, no agreeable terms for separation can be reached. Basically, I either completely sacrifice myself, save myself at exhorbant cost, or compromise and burn it all.