Really just feel stuck against a wall. I’m joined to someone who wants to fix me. Sure my emotions can be intense. Ups and downs, but I’m OK with that. I have my vices and quirks. I’m OK with those too. They continually force me into shoes that don’t fit, then go off when I express discomfort. They bleed all the joy from the little things in life, they work diligently to prevent the bigger ones. Then mock my misery.
They sit me down for “serious time” to get to a deeper level of understanding. History has proven that just refills their arsenal to use against me later. Then they mock me for avoiding and shutting down.
So why don’t I leave? Because they have no means without me. Our offspring, they would have to suffer. So I stay. I slowly die inside. In this family unit I’m alone. So I wonder, would it be simpler if I was just dead. They won’t tolerate me as is, I have no desire to be anything else. They won’t leave and I can’t leave without being a villain. It really makes death seem like the best choice. I try to think in the eyes of the children, is living in such tension OK?, no absolutely not, but the complexities of separation are over whelming. So maybe my death is the solution. I can’t achieve what I want, I’m doing a disservice trying to get through day to day.. ..
8 comments
Words fallen upon deaf ears. Not sure what I expected but it appears to have been too much…
I totally get what you are talking about. My family loads the gun with my words time and again and I’m too stupid to keep my mouth shut.
Thanks for the response. I’m pretty good at shutting down. Right now, I’m arguing with myself. It’s going to be a long night. Night shift. I’m already questioning everything. Like maybe my significant is right. Maybe I am a narcissist. Maybe I am too emotional and self absorbed? Shouldn’t I care about me more than others do? So I think, why did I join sp? Validation maybe? I really don’t know. Am I the wrong one ? All I know is nights like these create temptation for a work related accident. The insurance payout would probably be more appreciated then I am, since all I’m good for is a meal ticket. I’m bouncing so hard between desperately wanting someone to truly get me, giving up hope accepting my fate, and just ending it. Ending it is so tantalizing, but I’d want my significant to know it’s their fault. As messed up as that is, it’s the only way I could ever get retribution.
I’m not sure a work related accident would be wise. It could injure others who work with you.
Your death or a separation process? You can always try to explain things to your offspring while still able to talk but if you die he/she may never understand. I mean you can always fix thing while still alive… But once you are death there comes confusion without answers for the ones around you…. if you wonder what’s best for others death is not the answer. Suicide is an answer to what is best for oneself in a very respectable way.
if you have people who genuinely care, hurting others mentally will be inevitable. it would need to be something that doesn’t physically harm or injure others.
is there anyone else who could look after your children? I myself don’t agree with suicide if you have children. I wish i knew what to say. its like your trapped
Yeah, I’m sure my significant would raise them. As far as the kids coping, I mean, I kinda have a rockstar mentality. I’d rather burn out than fade away. I don’t want them to think I’m miserable because of them, to grow up watching me hate life. It won’t take too much to see if not for them, mom and dad would’ve divorced. My significant refuses to work, or do anything to be independent. So, if I just leave, the kids will suffer. I can’t take them due to my profession and history. If I support them reasonably, I can’t support myself. So I basically have to stay. Due to my work being high risk, I do have a substantial life insurance, but I have to die at work. As far as my significant, I’d want it to hurt them. Hopefully permanently damaging, to know it’s their fault.