I do not wish to die, I wish to do nothing. Forever.

Here I am again, a year later. I want to die, it’s the easy way out. I want to give up. Life is hard, death is not. I’m tired of doing and trying.

I am not depressed. I just do not want to do anything. It’s a cop-out. I am lazy.

I do not wish to die, I wish to do nothing. Forever.

The ultimate cop-out. The peak of laziness, to cease to exist. A coward, that is me. What I get I deserve, and I cease and I desist. I give in, I give up, I surrender. You have won, all that have doubted me. You have won, I have lost. Bravo. I applaud you. You win at living and I die. And it is believing that life could be easy and comfortable that killed me. It is believing in unconditional love that killed me. For there is no love, for me, not for me, the real me, no.

You, you should know not to love. Know not to feel. People can die and I will not cry. And you will not cry either. And so, it does not matter. When my father died, it did not matter. And neither will the death of me. I felt nothing, absolutely nothing.

People act as if a death in the family is an excuse for failure. It is not, I lost my will to live years earlier, because of my own foolishness. Do people deserve second chances? I believe one mistake can end your life, and I cannot pretend otherwise. I cannot allow failure. Taking foolish risks was my mistake. Pretending I could deal with the consequences was my mistake. Knowing it could not end well, and doing it anyway. That is something I cannot take. That is not me, that is someone else. I like safety and success. Why, oh why did I have to buy into that lie?

I knew better. I did. I tried to change myself, and change myself for the worse I did. I do not know who I am anymore. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. Maybe I was better before I thought I could make myself even better. Maybe I just did not try hard enough to go all the way. I do not know.

I decided to get some obligations as an incentive not to kill myself. And I now abandon those obligations. I am sorry I could not carry it out like I promised. Going out while on top is what I’d like to think I’m doing. But what I am doing is breaking a promise. And that shall forever be my legacy. I have betrayed you.  I have abandoned and left all that was good in my selfishness.

Out I go, too afraid to face the consequences of my actions. Too afraid of what future may unfold. Out I go, as coward, deserter and betrayer. Let me be a warning example.

Life goes on without me, I am sure. Those who know how to live shall keep on living. Others will die, and that is the way of the world. Goodbye.