So it is happening again, the depression and urges of suicide are growing stronger. The temptations are so hard to resist it’s like a chain I can’t escape this feeling. Why live an unhappy life? Depression is lifelong so why put up with this misery? It’s not environmental, I have a good job, good friends… it’s more like a riptide pulling me in no matter how hard I try to swim away.
Here is my story: like many of you my childhood was abusive, I was preyed on early and there are things that happened that I can never forget. I coped with drugs starting in high school, which only snowballed as time went on. I tried to kill myself for the first time in high school, when I was in 13. I went to a good college but the depression got so much worse that I could not attend class let alone leave my bed. I would cry or sleep all day. In college I tried to kill myself a few more times. I ended up going on medical leave and never coming back. I ended up dropping out and working full time. Post college were three more attempts. At a certain point it seems inevitable. I can’t hold down a relationship, I can’t find a way to think long term when I know I will end up dead.
Suicide is a struggle it really is. I hate when people say it is selfish because the hardest thing about thinking seriously of suicide is the people you will hurt through that action. Every day I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish these feelings would stop. And I’ll get a new job, things will go well for two weeks or so, and then the urges will come back with a vengeance. I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t deal with this everyday pain. I need help but I have tried medication and therapy and exercise and meditation – I try everything they say will help but nothing helps. I just feel like some people cannot deal with this cruel reality, and I’m among them. I feel like I am not truly living but in a limbo between life and death. The other side is pulling and tearing at me, I feel my time is soon. I can’t bear hurting my family but the pain I feel is too great to stop. I’m sorry for writing so much I’m just in a bad place right now and feel so helpless.
2 comments
Thank you for sharing this really well written heartfelt post. I went through many of the things you did, I’ve been there in part. I keep walking forward. No matter what happens, no matter how I feel, I just keep moving forward. Bleak times are awful, grey times are worse, manic times are dangerous, it is alike a minefield of emotions and I roll the dice daily to see where my head will be at each morning. Keep talking, keep posting. there are a lot of ears on this forum. Many don’t comment, but they read, and they think about you and hope that your life is better. There are many who comment, some get really silly, which helps as well. As a group, we are strong, you included.
Hey whydoiwantto,
I legit just registered my account a few minutes ago. I agree that the whole “suicide is selfish” spiel is bull. Pleasure is selfish. Eating, breathing, bathing is selfish. Most of life, maybe all of it, is selfish- it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
I try to keep holding on for something else in the future. Death is somewhere in that line-up anyway, might as well try to hope for other things until that time comes, right?