So it is happening again, the depression and urges of suicide are growing stronger. The temptations are so hard to resist it’s like a chain I can’t escape this feeling. Why live an unhappy life? Depression is lifelong so why put up with this misery? It’s not environmental, I have a good job, good friends… it’s more like a riptide pulling me in no matter how hard I try to swim away.
Here is my story: like many of you my childhood was abusive, I was preyed on early and there are things that happened that I can never forget. I coped with drugs starting in high school, which only snowballed as time went on. I tried to kill myself for the first time in high school, when I was in 13. I went to a good college but the depression got so much worse that I could not attend class let alone leave my bed. I would cry or sleep all day. In college I tried to kill myself a few more times. I ended up going on medical leave and never coming back. I ended up dropping out and working full time. Post college were three more attempts. At a certain point it seems inevitable. I can’t hold down a relationship, I can’t find a way to think long term when I know I will end up dead.
Suicide is a struggle it really is. I hate when people say it is selfish because the hardest thing about thinking seriously of suicide is the people you will hurt through that action. Every day I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish these feelings would stop. And I’ll get a new job, things will go well for two weeks or so, and then the urges will come back with a vengeance. I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t deal with this everyday pain. I need help but I have tried medication and therapy and exercise and meditation – I try everything they say will help but nothing helps. I just feel like some people cannot deal with this cruel reality, and I’m among them. I feel like I am not truly living but in a limbo between life and death. The other side is pulling and tearing at me, I feel my time is soon. I can’t bear hurting my family but the pain I feel is too great to stop. I’m sorry for writing so much I’m just in a bad place right now and feel so helpless.