Tired

I didn’t sleep last night. It turns out, I spent the night writing. I don’t remember doing it. But I wrote a lot, and what I wrote somewhat makes sense, but I’m not so sure if it would to others. No one else seems to have my thinking pattern. At least, I think it’s mine. I’m not so sure. Basically, I’m confused as hell this morning. I’m shaking and ill, everything is blurring and I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I overdosed. I found chunks of hair in my bed. I remember ‘waking up’ (except i wasn’t. Sort of like waking up from a day dream, I suppose?) and all I could smell was blood. I can still smell it. I can taste it in my mouth, no matter house many times I brush my teeth. I don’t remember anything. And it’s scaring me. Because the last time this happened my memory of it slowly came back over the course of two weeks, and I did awful stuff to myself. (I went to drink bleach, slice up my arm. I wrote about hurting others, and how I would do it. I wrote in so much detail. I tried to get on to the roof while alone during the evening to jump off, and I left the house in the middle of the night – hoping for someone to kill me, maybe?).

I’m supposed to be in college in 1 hour 24 minutes. I won’t be going. My mum is still insistent. I’ll have to find a safe place to go for 5 hours. I want to see my doctor, but I’m too afraid to ask for someone to ring for me – my mum will think it’s an excuse to stay off. Besides, I think the appointments will be gone with my doctor for today. My mum is saying I’m lazy because I don’t want to go in. Of course, she knows it’s for the same reason as last week. But she doesn’t care. She pretends to ‘forget’. Because she wants me to die. What a lovely mother.

The Angels are especially bad today. I can barely hear anything else. The shadow people have been with me all morning. They’re everywhere. The Angels are screaming at me. They’re laughing at me. They’re warning me. There’s a lot of noise going on right now, and I feel like yelling. I want it all to go away. I’m too tired to even try to deal with this.