Guess I’m going to “beat this dead horse” a bit more, sorry AgentQ.
Short sequence of events from approximately late o’clock last night/this morning:
– Put on some chill and somewhat sad music and decided to check SP (I like to be thematically appropriate, what can I say).
– Noticed that “twix this rainbow” had been blowing up the forum, post after post. Wondered what was up.
– Realized what was up.
– Read the posts from the beginning, tears occasionally springing up here and there.
– Thought and wondered for a bit, considering the possibility that the person whose words I had just read had died or at least had tried desperately to die minutes before I read them. Hmm.
I don’t know. Perhaps I should have simply commented on another post rather than creating a whole new one on the subject. Then again, I feel the situation is significant enough to warrant bringing it up a few times, eh? Judging by the comments on other posts, it clearly had a sizable impact. Something about the very deliberate slow and calculated way the posts were presented. Calm, collected, aware and accepting. Slowly unraveling the end.
17 comments
I realize some people are probably getting tired of the topic but I’m glad you made this post.
I’ve been in sort of a numb shock all day, for exactly the reasons you listed.
For me I think the most poignant aspect is that she wanted to die wearing her ballet shoes.
I also found it poignant that she’d planned this for a whole year and saved up the money for one “perfect” weekend so she could spend that final time doing what she loved. (Surfing, dancing).
I think it was Hazy that said “We may never know” the truth of what eventually happened afterward.
Twix said it may be five days before anyone notices, which I interpreted as meaning she’d paid for a week in that room (the weekend plus five additional days). I imagine she’d hung a “do not disturb” sign on the door to keep maids out.
If things ended up the way she wanted, that means she’s still there, and they haven’t found her body yet.
What you said about the ballet shoes…
What she said about dancing.
What Hazy saw about uncertainty.
It’s one of the more bitter pills I’ve tasted.
I’m afraid to read them. Should I? Especially since there’s nothing I or anyone else can do now?
I would recommend reading them, even though it’s powerfully sad and poignant.
She was so much at peace with her determination to finish it.
Nobody could say anything to change her mind.
We tried, and all she would do is thank us for reaching out.
You can get a list of all her posts here:
suicideproject.org/author/twix-this-rainbow/
Thank you. I’m nodding off now, but if I can’t read them tonight, I will in the morning.
That’s something else I had meant to mention, Cordless.
“that she’d planned this for a whole year”
It was interesting to me to see someone who had simply lurked here finally make themselves known only in the most pivotal couple of days. Realizing that she had been reading all of our words over the past year or so, someone we’d never known or been able to acknowledge the existence of. Thankful for whatever bit of comfort it provided her, without ever interacting directly. Makes me wonder…
Very thought-provoking, isn’t it?
We never know who is paying attention.
I discovered her posts earlier today. I realised that by the time I read them, it would all have been over. But I read them with fascination. And a mixture of sadness, admiration and a little envy that her last few days on earth would have been so perfect.
I can only pray that I could have my time just like that – treating myself to the nicest foods, drinks and experiences – then having no doubts that my death would be painless and certain.
Going to chime in here, since i have nothing to lose. What i’m getting from AgentQ’s post is that he/she somehow didn’t buy the whole story about twix, and before jumping into conclusions (and thinking i’m just being an asshole) there’s quite a few things to consider.
To put things into perspective, she got a hold of a highly difficult substance to get, even in mexico at this point (veterinaries are highly regulated due to foreigners going there to get n). She also planned this the whole year, just posted in her last two days to sort of document them on sp, and also traveled to mexico alone, with no one noticing her condition (not even her friend, which was pretty close from what she mentioned). Add to that the ballerina shots that she had taken (conveniently) just a couple of days ago while pet sitting, so she was not in mexico at that moment, but from the looks of it she was at an almost empty place (which is typical of rental places in south america…), it was also absolutely clean and in fact looked like a rental place.
I’m not claiming that i know something more about that than everyone else in here and i’m not straight out accusing her of being a troll or something like that, but i’m just saying that there were plenty of reasons to suspect that what she said was not completely true (and i’d actually prefer that instead of her taking her own life). She said that there was going to be a couple of days before she could be found, and i’ve been looking at mexico news and there’s nothing there yet (another suicide on feb 14th, but not related to sp). I’ll continue looking for the next few days and if i read something i’ll report here, but there’s a high chance that if she took n she failed, because some things that she mentioned doing could have messed up her method.
She did indeed wrote something after her last post, but didn’t post it (went to the drafts), so again, high chance that she failed, because if she took n, she wouldn’t have had even a minute to type something out (and supposedly she was going to dance after taking it). So yeah, if i read something over the news i’ll write it here.
I figured she had a whole year to acquire the supplies, which would (probably) be enough time even if it was hard to find.
As far as her friend not noticing… Heck, maybe he did wonder. We’ll never know.
I thought it made plenty of sense that she would have taken pictures of the ballerina shoes a few days beforehand. Why not? She’d been planning it for a year; she might have thought “I can show the pic to my friend, and then I can post it as part of my SP chronicle.”
Instead of a clean rental place, she might have simply been pet-sitting for a friend who keeps a clean house.
As for it not being in the news, maybe it wouldn’t make the news.
Or maybe they haven’t found her yet.
I don’t know either way; like Hazy said, we may never know 100%.
But, at least at this point in time, sadly, I believe it happened.
That’s why i’m keeping an eye on the news, pretty sure they’ll report someone found on a rental place with an illicit substance, specially THAT illicit substance. Her whole travel to mexico was pretty likely based on that, because what she used is sold over there, and it’s usually confiscated by customs when sent to the us (hence why people travel over there). Again, if i see something i’ll post it back, but i don’t fear the worst just yet.
No, I don’t think you’re being an asshole. Just raising valid suspicions and possible reasons for suspicion, some of which I also considered. You never know with the internet, of course. Failure is always likely, which is why I added “or at least had tried”.
Whatever the reality of the situation may be, it was all very interesting to read and left me with a certain feeling of reflection.
Yup, failure is always a chance, specially when you’re dealing with substances that for all you know, could not even be what you supposedly bought. I share the reflection state, and who knows, we might never know, i still hope for the best.
You’ll probably hear from her in a few days.
That’s quite possible. I’m not attempting to turn her into some sort of SP martyr. I just wanted to acknowledge the posts and the possibilities and some of my thoughts on them, regardless of the outcome.
I truly hope we’ll hear from her. I’m hoping she won’t feel ashamed to post if she did fail or if the story wasn’t 100% true. We just want to hear from her.
We won’t judge, we just want to make sure she’s safe 🙂