Oh my gosh, I have been trying to remember the name of this site for the life of me! I’ve looked every where for it for the past two years and then *BAM* I finally found it! No, I just went back through some of what I wrote and I feel bad for my past self; I was not a positive person, but I know it wasn’t my fault that I was depressed. No, here’s what’s happened the past couple years – p.s. sorry for the long story.
My best friend moved to Arizona in December of 2014; I missed her like crazy. I went out with a guy because I felt bad for him but I ended up making a best friend who I considered my little brother and my Twin. March 28, 2015 he was found dead at home – the anniversary is tomorrow. I was in so much pain, I broke up with my boyfriend – I was going to do it sooner but then my Twin died and I just couldn’t.
I graduated high school. That was the best part; I accomplished something that I had always dreamed of doing and I did it for myself. I graduated with a 3.65 GPA, over 500 hours of volunteer work, and with three letters. It was amazing.
I turned 18, I got my driver’s license, I got my first car, and I fell in love with a guy I was going to go to the same college as. We spent the whole summer together, we were madly in love and it was amazing. I moved onto my college campus since I was going to lose my car because I couldn’t make the payments I needed on it, and then I made a mistake and slept with someone who was not the man I was in love with. To my defense – although there never is any real good defense for something horrible like that – the guy I loved – let’s call him Presley – he said that we were just friends with benefits, that he was going to go ask one of my friends out. I was upset with him for saying that – i was in so much pain. I was in love with him, it had only been three months but I was still in love with him. I started chatting with someone and I went over to his place to watch a movie and I didn’t plan it at all but I slept with him. Biggest mistake of my life. The second biggest mistake was I called Presley the next day and told him. I had found out that the guy was a good friend of Presley’s and I thought he would go around bragging about what happened and I figured it would have been better to hear what happened from me. I should have just kept my mouth shut, I should have definitely kept my legs shut first, but I didn’t even know what was happening and then it happened. I felt like shit. Presley was in so much pain, he was going to leave me, but then he kissed me and he couldn’t do it. I worked really hard to fix our relationship, to fix everything that had happened, and it was working, it truly was, but then he did something that truly broke my heart just as badly as I broke his.
Thanksgiving break one of his friends came to visit him. He had told me months before how he was pretending to date this girl so that her father would be happy with her, but he told me when she came we couldn’t act like we were together. The girl – let’s call her Holly – had seen Presley and I always tagging each other in everything on Facebook so she wanted to see me first before she met any of Presley’s other friends. It was good, meeting her was awkward, but she knew by the way that we acted around each other that there was something going on between Presley and I. That week, she asked Presley to make it official between the two of them; he said no. Holly threw a fit and called her sister and her mother and had them talk to him to force him into the relationship. He said no, until her mother had him promise that he was going to marry Holly. And he promised. They were then technically engaged, but he had finally said yes to Holly and was in a relationship with her. The day I found out I had something I was going to tell Presley as well; I was going to become Catholic so we could be together. That was the only real thing that was stopping up, that was the only requirement. We had made up our minds that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but I had to make my decision and when I finally told him it was too late. He told me what he had done and I could have died in that spot if Presley didn’t hold me. I was in so much pain, I would rather have died than feel that pain ever again. It loss and betrayal, that’s the only way I could explain it. He kept apologizing to me, begging me to stop crying, but it hurt too much. After that, he lost his feelings for me. One day, he asked me to kiss him so he could get his feelings back. Eventually, they did come back, but he was still committed to her – Holly lives a few states away from us, so she couldn’t come see him all the time. Then, we came up with a plan; Presley would go into the army to get his citizenship and then he would leave Holly. Presley came from a different country – let’s call it Ghana – and his parents agreed to the engagement, so the only way he could get out of the arrangement was to become a citizen and then his parents wouldn’t be able to tell him what to do.
Winter break came and we spent practically every day with each other, trying to survive since the college cafeteria was closed for the whole thing. Even though he was with Holly, most of his friends and his roommates considered me his girlfriend, they kept calling me “Presley’s girlfriend”. In January, I met a girl – we’ll call her Amy. Amy and I had a lot in common and she eventually offered for me to be a roommate with her on campus, so I did. After I moved in, Presley came over the our dorm every night and practically moved into our dorm. One night, Presley said he was having mood swings – he was staying the night as well – and he didn’t want to sleep on the floor so he said that Amy offered for him to sleep in her bed. I didn’t want to be a ***** and tell him that he couldn’t – especially since Amy didn’t know we were meant to be together – so I let him. I couldn’t sleep for the entire night, so Presley said I should probably go out into the tv area of the dorm and sleep there. I did for a couple hours, then I woke up and went back to the room. I looked at the bed and I saw that they weren’t touching each other, that they each had separate blankets, but I just couldn’t handle it, it hurt me that he would do something like that and he knew that it did. He did it again the next night. He told me he would talk to me about it the next day but it just felt so wrong to have him do something like that. I went to our friend – we’ll call him Mike. I talked to Mike about it and he told me not to worry about it, that everything would be fine. That night, he went to Presley and confronted him about it; Mike knew that Presley and I were meant to be together and so he saw knew that what was happening was wrong. Presley took me back to the dorm that night and blew up on me, telling me that everything was over, that we were done. I cried and begged him to not do this, to not throw away everything we worked so hard for, but he would have none of it. He took all the things he could carry and he walked out without looking back. I was a complete mess, I couldn’t breathe, I had a panic attack. He was the love of my life, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and he just walked out. I went home that night to my parent’s place.
When I came back the next day, Presley came to the dorm to do laundry. He didn’t talk to me until Amy came back and then he blew up on me, telling me that I had been in the wrong, that he was done with me and he had killed all of his feelings for me. He had said so much and I just listened silently and took it all without shedding a tear. When he was done, I looked at Amy and I asked her if she could leave so Presley and I could talk. All she said was that she was going to hear about it later so she might as well stay. That pissed me off. We had been friends first, we became close because we had been almost in the exact same situation as each other with our men, but then her guy didn’t want to leave the girl he was with so she dropped him and I guess she had her eyes on Presley. So, we had to fight in front of her. Finally, she left, and that was when I finally let Presley have it; I was so hurt, in so much pain, and all he could do was look like he was the innocent one. Presley later told me that Amy had felt like I was being insensitive to his situation – *****, of course I was, because we were fighting! You don’t really think, especially after being hurt so much. In the end, we kissed and we made up. She later text me telling me to take all of my things and move out because Presley and I’s friends were going up to her asking her why she broke us up. That night, someone text Amy, saying shit that she was fucking Presley and was a ***** friend to me and she immediately text me, accusing me of being the one that did that – I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Presley called me and asked for me to come over after she did that and I did go over. When I got there, he asked if I had done that, I told him no, he tried to talk to her to get her to believe me but she refused to even look at me. That week, she told me again that I had to move out and because I didn’t want to deal with her lies and her shit, I did.
For a month, Presley and I weren’t really together. We talked, but we didn’t kiss, we weren’t intimate, we weren’t close, we were just ghosts. Spring Break came and and he went and saw Holly and visited her. He couldn’t stop texting me the entire time and then he promised me he would come home early, but then he changed his mind. When he came back, he said we needed to talk (this was last week, btw). We talked, he told me that he didn’t want to kiss me because he didn’t want the feelings to come back, and if he ever kissed me again his spirit wouldn’t be there; I would just be kissing a shell of the man I loved. We laid down in bed as we went over our memories and he couldn’t stop looking at me; he finally called me beautiful and I cried. Last Thursday he went to confession and confessed all of his sins, all the sins that we did, which meant we could no longer be intimate, we could no longer kiss, we were nothing essentially. He text me to tell me he had done it and, as icing on the cake, he had killed all of his feelings for me. That was it; I had lost the man I loved. He had betrayed me before by choosing Holly over me, but now he chose Amy over me as well.
Right now, I am completely numb. I’m tired of crying, tired of the pain. He made his choice, is what I keep telling myself. He chose them over me, someone who loved him unconditionally, someone who would have stayed ignorant if it made him happy, who would have forgiven him for anything. I loved him, but I can’t forgive him right now for doing this to us; he gave us up. We were doing fine, we were in love, we were happy, and he just gave us up. No person in their sane mind does that, that’s why I am so pissed. He gave up hope for us, he gave up on us, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I tried to convince him to have hope, that we were meant to be go through this and be together, but there’s only so much I can do before I give up as well.
Since we weren’t together for a month, I started having movie dates with an old acquaintance of mine. We’re going to call him Aaron. The first time we met up, I was nervous and still madly in love with Presley. We watched a movie and practically sat on opposite sides of the bed with a gaping hole in the middle of us. The second date we watched another movie, the same for the third, but the hole kept closing bit by bit. Last Thursday was when we had our fourth date and we were cuddling this time. We had our first kiss the night. Aaron is a great guy, he shows that he’s kind and patient and that he’s not going to take advantage or screw me over. Right now, I have butterflies talking to him, he makes me forget the pain that I’ve been through, but a part of me still loves Presley no matter how much I hurt.
Presley and I were together for eight months. Truth be told, I will never love anyone like I loved him. Thanks to him, I will be too scared to give all of my love out as willingly as I had given it to Presley.
So, that’s it, that’s what has happened these past two years. I haven’t cut since November, and through all the shit that has happened recently I haven’t had the urge or desire to. I haven’t even wanted to take my life. I am proud of myself and the woman I have become.