My stepdad is an asshole. I saw my therapist today, and she said to try different things to distract myself from the voices and such because they’ve been bad lately, so I thought I’d attempt to watch TV for an hour or so with my mum and stepdad. It is something I regret even thinking of, and it has made everything so much more worse.
Despite sitting basically mute, with the one off offer of a cup of tea, my stepdad yelled at me within 45 minutes. My dogs had just been outside for the sixth time in the space of 15 minutes, and I was fed up at this point because I have to get up each time to open and close the door for them – that, and I hurt my leg yesterday, so it hurts to walk. So when I carelessly tugged on the door, it slammed shut.
I didn’t mean to, but obviously my stepdad didn’t care. He said my attitude is disgusting and a joke tonight, and threatened to get rid of one of the dogs. It escalated quickly, obviously. Meanwhile, my mum just sat there and watched. As usual, she didn’t defend me, and rather complained at me because I got my stuff and have came up to my room. She never defends me, even when he swears and yells at me. And if and when she does, she lets it go after 5 minutes and practically sit on his knee.
I’m so done with my family. None of them support me or care about what I’m going through. I’m sick of them all. The suicidal thoughts have been constant recently, and it’s getting harder and harder not to act upon them.
I did once, last week. I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing at first because I was so caught up with the voices and them telling me how to do it, but then I realised I’d tied a cable together in the garage and I just went for it. The only reason I stopped was because I started panicking and there was a chair just within reach behind me.
After taking the cable down I regretted it instantly, but I had no time to redo it since my mum came home. It’s since been moved, and I have nothing that would definitely work yet.
My mum just came to my room and threw one of my dogs on the bed before leaving. Typical. I’m being blamed for what happened, and she’ll want to ‘discuss why I behaved the way I did’ – I’d like to point out, all I did was say ‘okay’ and ‘I’m going to bed’. She’ll try and make me apologise as well. I don’t think so.
My head is a very deafening place right now, and I really don’t want to be here anymore.
10 comments
Hey Jiminy, glad you didn’t succeed in hanging yourself. I wish you could just get the hell out of there and find a better place to live. Sorry your SD is a douche.
Hi, Hazy. I’ve regretted not going through with it everyday since, if I’m honest.
I was going to move back in with my nan a few weeks ago, but my mum won’t let my leave. Besides, my nan isn’t really understanding, and I don’t want to burden her anyway.
My stepdad has been trying to get rid of my since day one. He used to talk about boarding school. Now he’s says to my mum about how I’ll get put into a hospital if I carry on the way I’m going, but he sounds hopeful when he says it. He wants me gone. Even my mum wants to walk out now.
Parental shenanigans never fail to make me SMH when I hear them. Although boarding school may be a good opt out Jiminy, you’d be away from that toxic environment.
The boarding schools I looked up are far from where we live, and I’d never see my doctors and stuff. It’s taken me years to trust them, and if I moved and got new ones I’d be back to square one again.
And I’m paranoid they’d move away and not leave an address for me, so when I’d get out of have no one.
That’s really forward thinking. You know I wish I could do something to directly help you, but sadly I can’t. I’m clear across the world. Best I can do is lend an understanding ear.
Thanks for listening anyway, Hazy.
This is utterly off topic, but why aren’t you working for D.C., Marvel or similar? Why?
You have the skills.
Really mus has a real point there. You are a really talented illustrator.
I agree with that too.
Your artwork is amazing.
Thank you, I’m glad you like my work.
I’ve wanted to work for either of those comics since I was around 7. 10 years later, and I still wish I could, but I’ve never thought about it seriously enough to look into it. I just can’t ever see myself actually being able to work there, so I’ve just thought it’s better to save myself from the disappointment.