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Can’t sleep.

by canadiansunset

I keep dreaming about the child I lost and about his father that mistreated me every night. I can’t sleep (because even thou I am asleep, I can’t rest), I wake up with tears in my eyes. I feel tired and emotionally exhausted, and being awake makes me feel miserable so I try to sleep as much as I can. I really feel like giving up and I wish I could close my eyes and not wake up.

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9 comments

whiskered-fish 3/2/2016 - 11:57 am

I’m sure the son you lost is with you, even now. And although I can’t speak for him, I suspect that he wants you to heal, and overcome this, and live.

canadiansunset 3/2/2016 - 12:04 pm

I feel that it’s my fault I lost it, and I wanna die to see him.

whiskered-fish 3/2/2016 - 12:36 pm

I can understand that second part, but why do you believe that your miscarriage was your fault?

canadiansunset 3/2/2016 - 1:04 pm

Because I didn’t take care of myself at all, I was overthinking and depressed over the father of my baby (which I had feelings for), and the doctor adviced me not to travel or I could lose it, but I travelled anyways (12 hours flight) because I couldn’t tell my parents over the phone. So it’s my fault. I should’ve cut him off and I shouldn’t have travelled.

whiskered-fish 3/2/2016 - 1:57 pm

Why did traveling cause you to miscarry? Was it the stress?

I’m sorry if I’m asking too many questions and if I’m stressing you out. If that’s what I’m doing, then I won’t mind if you don’t answer me.

canadiansunset 3/2/2016 - 2:16 pm

Because of stress and it was a very long trip. I had also many luggages and they were heavy. I also cried all my way to my home country.

nepheliad 3/2/2016 - 3:43 pm

You may mourn the miscarriage now, but it was really a blessing not to give birth to the child of the wrong man. In the future, hopefully you’ll get married/have a stable relationship with the right man for you, and have a child together. Until then, be happy you can still live your life without being a single mother.

canadiansunset 3/2/2016 - 7:43 pm

But I wanted to have it. It wasn’t my poor baby’s fault that I slept with a douchebag and got knocked up. In my heart, I wanted to be a mom.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/2/2016 - 3:56 pm

There is no shame in any of this or anything you are feeling. It is so raw and honest. My first husband, the crazy one, I still love him. it took me years to get over how much I loved him despite everything he did to me. My heart never stops loving the people it wants to. I accept that. One way to work through all this is to accept the love and make it part of your heart permanently.

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