I was depressed before I fell in love. I have to remind myself of that so I don’t think that I am even more crazy to want to kill myself because I lost the person that I love. I. was. depressed. before. I. fell. in. love. I had suicidal thoughts before I met him. I have been anxious and depressed for a very long time. Probably since childhood.
It’s not like I’ve never been in love before. But this time, I thought he was last one I would ever have. We match. He understands me. But I didn’t give him what he wanted. He begged for me to give him more of myself and I denied and denied. We broke up. We got back together. He begged for me to give him more. I denied. He is gone. It’s a complex issue. Nothing sexual. I gave him everything he wanted sexually. The hard part is he still wants to be my friend. Just my friend.
I don’t have friends. Well, I do. A few friends. But I don’t want to be his friend. Everything about our relationship is intense and passionate.
It’s been 2 months since things were over. But 2 weeks since we last had sex. It was a mistake. I should have never done it. He should have never done it.
I’ve stopped talking to him again. I’ve done this a few times when I just stop contact with him so my heart can heal. But then I go right back to talking to him again. To try to be his friend. I cannot be his friend. Then I hurt again. Because I just want him. I want him to be mind, to love him forever. But I cannot get around this block in my head, to be everything for HIM. He is everything for me. But I am not everything for him.
1 comment
hi claritee.. thank you for sharing this… I went back and read all your posts.. you passion is very evident and beautiful.. it’s clear you are a lovely person .. I can relate to most the things you say..