I feel that friendship is more fragile and more important compared to a relationship. I don’t know, but it’s like whenever my friends suddenly act cold, it hurts so fucking bad I just add a few more cuts just to be able to feel. Fucking hell it makes no sense.
Honestly, it really fucking terrifies my how much of a hold this person has over me. All she has to do is say a word, and I think I’ll just fucking crumble. She’s not even the person I’m in a relationship with. But I’d rather lose him than her. It’s really difficult and just tiring to try and stop myself from doing something to chase her away. I really couldn’t stand it if she hated me.
Sometimes when I feel like I’ve said something wrong and she goes all quiet, it just makes me hate myself all the more. She’s done this before last year. She was really close with me, and then suddenly the cold shoulder came for roughly 3/4 of the year. This time she’s gotten really close again, just after I’d gotten over the fact that I’d lost her.
Now I’m just afraid she’ll up and leave when I’m no longer needed.
It’s just kinda scary, and this lack of control just makes me want to cut more.