I woke up completely unhappy and lonely. I tried to take a shower, turned on the water and just collapsed into the corner. I was annoyed at myself afterward for leaving the water running, such a waste of water. I was in the corner for like an hour.
I don’t understand why I have to be this way! I walked into the kitchen afterward… and seen knives and had every desire in the world to end it right then and there. I ran to my bedroom and just got under the covers. I finally got strength from somewhere and started feeling a bit better, but I wasted 5 hours of my day completely a mess. It’s now 3pm and I have things I have to do. I don’t know how long I can continue functioning like this.
5 comments
Try living that way for 50 years. Why I haven’t offed myself yet is a complete mystery. What am I waiting for? Every day is worse than the previous, therefore every day is the worst day of my life.
Anyway, yeah, I feel your pain.
Its a shitty feeling I know whenever I pass a bridge when driving I just imaging driving off. That was my first suicide attempt… I survived and am in a much worse place now. I just do not want to fail again.
You are not alone my friend if you need to talk I am here.
Thank you.
Yes, I have bridge fantasies as well… I also have walk into traffic fantasies. I would never do it. It’s too dangerous for other people.
I forgot who it was, a famous person, that committed suicide by walking into the ocean. That seemed so beautiful to me. To just drift away….
Maybe not the person you’re thinking of, but famous author Virginia Woolf committed suicide by walking into a river. I admit there’s something beautiful about that thought of calmly returning to the water that all life came from. Maybe that’s why it feels good to have a breakdown in the shower, something I often do too.
I think that even by spending the day recuperating and just trying to calm yourself down, is not a wasted day, even if you had things to do. Obviously just being by yourself alone in your bed made you feel better, and if that is what it will take just to make you be able to finish the day, then do it. You may have missed the morning but who really enjoys getting up in a bad mood knowing you will have a bad day. If sleeping for a few more hours will help, then do it. Do whatever to make you happier in the end.