It was the day when I became fed up of everything. It was my mom who pushed me to it. I’ve been depressed a lot before I did it. I had my suicide note ready and talked to a friend whom I’d be leaving everything to. She was shocked somehow since it was really out of the blue, I didn’t plan on hanging myself that night but I was just tired of everything. Same old routine, same old pain. Let’s face it, whenever we tell people we’re numb by it, we aren’t actually numb. We can still the very same pain we did the first time it happened to us, but we got tired of it. Got tired of caring, and eventually get tired of enduring it.
I would’ve been dead for a week by now if I succeeded that time, but since I failed, I’m here going through the same thing again. But I’m planning on doing it again, on finally concluding everything. The last time, I wasn’t prepared. So much bullshit for saying that maybe it wasn’t my time yet, I was just unprepared. This time for sure, I’m buying a thick rope and hang myself and end things. I’m not sure when but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be this year. I don’t want to feel these pain anymore, I’m tired.
17 comments
I feel for ya, being in that much pain, Mortem. Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace. There’s a great community of people here though if you decide to stay.
I’m new to SP and I was planning of doing it again tomorrow, to end it all. Apparently my depression has turned a destructive side and I’ve been a lot more of a burden to my family and my friends. But thanks, I wish I could stay longer to meet more people in here tho.
Sorry to hear that u feel this way I’m here if u want to talk I hope u find peace either way
You can stay, Mortem. Even if it’s just committing to get through one day. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through…but I do have a ton of my own so I can sympathize. Even one day seems like a big challenge sometimes- but one day leads to the next and to the next…and sometimes, I have a really positive day three weeks down the line. And while it is short lived, and temporary, and I often bottom out again soon after…that positive day still happened. If that positive day can still happen once, maybe there is a way to get them to happen repeatedly, consecutively, or at least more closely together to make life more manageable…but all I can know is that such a day still happened so I feel like I should at least stick around a bit to see if the hope for that day i’m chasing actually comes to fruition. It’s all some sick equation, but it may end up working in my favor one day. Me, personally…I have to know. At least that’s what keeps me alive today. If ya need to talk, feel free to email at AtlasBleeding@gmail.com.
Sorry for everything. I know we aren’t supposed to discuss methods, but how did you fail? What went wrong?
I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t have the right rope. I used a chord and thought that maybe it would suffice but it didn’t. I’m planning on being a lot more prepared and decided the next time I feel like doing it.
Okay, I was just asking because I kinda have my mind set on that way too, unless of course I can get in some kind of serious car crash. But yeah, I’m hoping for the best for you. We’ll get out of here one day..
As much as I would like to discuss more about, sadly I cannot. I’m waiting for a more natural way to go too, like a car crash maybe. We’ll get the peace we’ve longed for the day we were born, the peace we deserve.
It is interesting you consider a car crash natural. That is rather violent. Absolutely no guarantees with that one either. Living is the only solid way to guarantee death.
You have stated you’d like to get to know the folks here. Why not stay and get to know them? There are so many people here who have stood in your shoes, who will understand. death can be your back up plan for living. It is a decent enough back up plan, and while you are getting to know all of the different people here you can make preparations for a better plan. Maybe, as you begin walking forward in your life you will take so many steps that one day you will turn and see, way far off in the distance, that rope swaying. If you look hard enough it will be your old self, your new self walking slowly forward. along the path are all the people who took your hand, even if you didn’t notice it, and walked quietly with you. Some are still with you, some let go after a while. all these people, some whom you didn’t even think were walking with you, but they were.
So stay, get to know some people, walk a while. Death is everyone’s back up plan after all.
I’d beg to disagree on the “people who took my hand without me noticing”. I believe they better off without me. Recently I’ve been distancing myself from people hoping that I could begin with my preparations, so that if ever I did succeed, they wouldn’t be that sad. And apparently, I’ve seen that they’ve been brighter and much more livelier than when I was closer to them. This whole world is better of without and me. And as I’ve said before, my depression and suicidal tendencies took a destructive turn, it’s either I go or runaway.
No, I agree with what you are saying here in your comment. The people walking with you are people that accept you. For how you feel and what you feel you need to do in your life. there are many here who are walking with you and accept how you feel. Support how you feel. There are people in this world, as rare as it may seem, that will walk with you regardless of your plans. Those are the people holding your hands. Being human is a journey with people, even if that journey feels along and lonely. Even if leaving this world is the only way to be at peace, there will still be people quietly holding your hand. Just living in the world creates this. Unfortunately I don’t get to chose who quietly holds my hand. I have them in my life, people who just quietly hold my hand. Regardless of my choices or circumstances. Those are the people that in the end, when I look back around and down, are there, typically on their own journey as well.
You can stay, Mortem. Even if it’s just committing to get through one day. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through…but I do have a ton of my own so I can sympathize. Even one day seems like a big challenge sometimes- but one day leads to the next and to the next…and sometimes, I have a really positive day three weeks down the line. And while it is short lived, and temporary, and I often bottom out again soon after…that positive day still happened. If that positive day can still happen once, maybe there is a way to get them to happen repeatedly, consecutively, or at least more closely together to make life more manageable…but all I can know is that such a day still happened so I feel like I should at least stick around a bit to see if the hope for that day i’m chasing actually comes to fruition. It’s all some sick equation, but it may end up working in my favor one day. Me, personally…I have to know. At least that’s what keeps me alive today.
I don’t know if I could look onto tomorrow the way you do. But I do have hopes of having a brighter tomorrow. If only I could have a better shot in life. Something to at least push myself to live. But death always calls for me, and maybe the next time he does, I’ll answer it with a smile.
Sorry for double post, getting used to this posting system.
Hazy Day Sunflower, thats an amazing way to put it: the only way to guarantee death is by living.
did you fail at full suspension?