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Nothing left

by jsjones

At 38 I feel like I have nothing worth living for, and I am just a ghost to everything and everyone around me.  I grew up with an abusive father who my mother still is married to. I have been living in LA for 17 years trying to chase my dream of working in the film industry. My best friend killed himself back 2010 and left me in his will. I had money but I lost it al because I couldn’t find anyone to hire me.  So I used my money to work on other people’s movies for free. I’ve had a boyfriend for three years who is a nice man, but I feel he never has time for me because he is too busy helping everyone else and trying to make his own career in the film industry. My only other family are my grandparents but my grandmother is terminally ill with a brain tumor so I have been spending a lot of time out their place taking care of them.  While I’m there I keep hoping I will hear back from one of the many companies I have applied to. I can’t even seem to find work as a temp. Nobody thinks for a second that I am in a living hell. My boyfriend watched me drink a whole bottle of wine last night and then have a nervous breakdown all morning. He left an hour ago to go meet with an investor that his friend in New York asked him to meet, because if the guy is able to invest than my boyfriend can make a movie and help his friend move back out here. Again I feel like a ghost. I kept believing things would get better. I told myself everyday someone is going to email you, someone will be able to help. I also don’t have any money because I have paid for years out of pocket for health insurance and spent a boat load on a therapist. So with no job and no inheritance left I am about to become homeless. I know we are all responsible for only ourselves and I have tried for years but I can’t, I absolutely can no longer pick myself up off the ground. I have no reason to keep living.  I can’t move home to live a man who abused my whole childhood.  I can’t live on the streets feared of being rape as I was raped when I was 22 by a man who sold me a car.  I don’t ever see a man ever marring me because I have become so emotionally unstable and I don’t think I will ever be able to have my own children.  So what’s left?

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14 comments

BL98 3/1/2016 - 1:57 pm

i mean no offence , this is a really interesting story and you too , are an interesting person . You know , for many of us , living in a big city like you do will be more than enough . Who cares about money ? you don’t need to be shiting gold and wipe with dollar bills to be happy , try to get a job , but one as complicated as an actor / actress maybe , something more common , or make something good out of one of your passions maybe ? find a cheap flat or something so you won’t end up homeless , do things that make you happy , enjoy the little things … As an example , today was shit for me , but all got better from the moment i saw the stars from the sky like 2 hours ago … the stars are beautiful in this time of the year and i’m planning enjoying the while i can … i don’t know what makes you happy but don’t you think that’s all that matters in this world , in this life ? we have just one shot , we might as well live smiling and do as many shits as we can , good or bad , who cares ?

Moneypenny 3/1/2016 - 1:57 pm

What profile of the film industry are you interested in?
Sorry it has been and that it is so difficult for you.

jsjones 3/1/2016 - 2:04 pm

I work as a producer.

jsjones 3/1/2016 - 2:04 pm

I have no money for a cheaper flat. I have tried looking for work everywhere even temping. I can’t rent a new place without an employer to put on the application. I must really be depressed because what makes me happy is spending time with my grandmother but now it is too painful to watch her because she is so quickly dying. I just want a job and I will do whatever. I have been sending out probably about 10 resumes a week for the last two years. I’m glad you got to see the stars. That’s one other thing I like to do but living in a big city I can’t see them.

Drowning 3/1/2016 - 3:10 pm

Hi I read your post u haven’t got much to say maybe u should try spread time with your grandparents to try keep you busy for a couple days as for your nerves breakdown if u can just let your body close down cry I read when u have a nerves breakdown try to live minute by minute til it passes as thinking to much will start really bad anxiety hope this helps

jsjones 3/1/2016 - 3:27 pm

I just got back from being with my grandparents which is probably what has caused my breakdown. Being out there and having to take care of her all day and night cause me to only get 6 hours sleep in 48 hours. Then coming home and realizing the next day rent is due. I had a really good interview back on the 5th. They said I would need to wait two weeks to hear back. Its been over three and at two weeks I started following up but have not heard anything. And that’s just one company. I am so worn out and now I am about to be out on the streets. I give up!

Drowning 3/1/2016 - 3:39 pm

Oh really sorry to here that what about your boyfriend or parents can’t you live with any of them til u get on ur feet ?

jsjones 3/1/2016 - 3:44 pm

I fear living with my parents because my father is extremely verbally abusive. My boyfriend rents a small room from someone. I have no other options

Drowning 3/1/2016 - 3:49 pm

So u can live with your boyfriend for the time being ?

jsjones 3/1/2016 - 3:53 pm

He said no

Drowning 3/1/2016 - 4:58 pm

Oh so is your parent your last option then if u can go there

jsjones 3/1/2016 - 5:16 pm

i don’t want to live anywhere

iamtheblues 3/2/2016 - 11:27 am

Hollywood is a tough nut to crack. Been there, done that. Back in the 1980’s, I was in LA trying to “make it”. I failed. Then, in the 1990’s, I turned my attention to writing novels. I got published. 15 books in print worldwide. Had an agent too. My agent and entertainment attorney were working on a few book-to-film deals. There was a lot of money on the table. $5 million per project, and at the time, I had 8 projects in the pipeline. But, as my luck would have it, one by one, the deals started to crumble. Within an 8 month period, my entire world came crashing down! My agent and entertainment attorney contacted me and told me that they had “exhausted their contacts”; ALL of the deals were dead! About a month after that they both dropped me from their talent roster. Six months later, my publisher took ALL of my books out of print. The royalty checks ceased. My career was dead. Nearly 20 years wasted. I ended up losing everything! My wife, my home, my car, and even my dog died! Shit! After being THAT close to success, and having it all come crashing down, I lost faith in everything. This has been the normal path of my life from as long as I can remember. No matter how hard I work, no matter how much I try, something always inevitably goes wrong. I had to take a job as a school bus driver and move back in with my parents! That’s not an easy pill to swallow when you’re 50 years old. I’m sick of being a burden to my parents and an embarrassment to my family. And yes, this is just ONE story, only one tip of the iceberg. I have MANY of these stories! After living in this hell for half a century, I am just too exhausted to continue. But I keep trying. I don’t know why. People tell me I should write my autobiography. Why? I could barely tolerate living this life; I doubt anyone would want to read it. I’ve been plagued with heavy depression since childhood… maybe 4 or 5 years of age; never been to a shrink or a therapist; never been diagnosed. I have no idea WHAT it is I have or suffer from. I try to function in the world, but it’s a struggle. I’m never happy. No matter what. Which is why I just want to give up. I think, even if I could have been a success, what then? All the money in the world won’t make me happy; it won’t remove my depression or this overwhelming feeling of impending doom that has been following me around since birth! I feel as if I’m a stranger on the earth; as if I simply do not belong here. So, when you say that you don’t want to live anywhere. I know exactly how you feel. I feel that same way too.

jsjones 3/2/2016 - 4:45 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your story iamtheblues! I like you keep trying but wonder why. I feel like all the hope I can find in a day is small sliver that quickly becomes disappointment. An email comes across my screen I think oh yay they are finally emailing me back about the job, and then it turns out to be spam about something I can’t afford. Then I get a call asking if I am available to work next week and that so-and-so is going to call me right away, but my phone hasn’t made a sound. All i have done is put off stuff so that I would be available. Anyway it’s sad to know that we all feel this way, but I guess it does make me feel a little better to know that I can speak freely and not be judged because the others know what I am going through.

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