I don’t really know have much of a direction for this post in my head, no horrid incident or crazy profound thoughts, just stuff that runs through my head.
Do you ever wake up and you feel so empty? Not even like sad or upset over anything in particular. You just feel like nothing at all, you just feel so tried that you don’t even know how you’re standing. That’s how I’ve been waking up a lot lately.
I feel like everyone has something they’re good at, something they’re smart about or something they have a passion for. I don’t enjoy anything, I don’t have a talent for anything or a plan for anything, I just have a collection of things I can’t handle or that I’m bad at. I feel like it was some mistake that I was born, that somehow the universe messed up big time and put someone who wasn’t meant to be a person in the world.
I feel my debt crushing me, like a constant weight on my chest. I feel my failures pounding against my brain and I beat myself down emotionally with it because it’s all I know how to do. I constantly stress for money, for my future, for relationships.
I don’t know why I post here, I always write a lot when I post. I don’t feel comfortable here, but at the same time I do. There’s some relief in writing this and I know if I wrote it just for myself it would still feel like I was holding it in.
I want so desperately for someone to understand. For my life to somehow be more important than it is. When I tell people I’ve attempted suicide or that I’m going to I want it to be something that matters to them. I want someone to understand how hard it is to enjoy nothing, to want nothing and to feel like nothing. I want to scream at people how badly I’m struggling while at the same time I want to hold it in all to myself. I almost wish I never told anyone about feeling this way.
I want to understand why my brain sees no other solution than death, why I have no other desires. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 9 years old and I genuinely feel like I’ve never felt good a day in my life, and like I’m incapable of feeling good.
I feel like I’m a big fake who pretends to be someone with likes and interests and hopes and dreams other than escaping all the shit that’s in my head.
I feel like this post was stupid, I feel like I sound like a freak and a psycho. I feel like I should shut up now.
9 comments
Me too
I feel like you too. Not my whole life. But im real mad at my parents for having me. Now. I feel like nothing. I live like nothing, if that makes sense. It does to me. Your post ain’t stupid. And I hope you never shut up. Infact I want to hear more. May I?
Yeah, I’ve told my mom that sometimes I hate it so much that they just had to have another kid, when they already had five. It does make sense, I feel the same. You could hear more if you would like to, but I’m not much good at being interesting and what-not.
You’re already interesting whether we are good at it or not.
I also feel like I don’t belong. I know I’m welcome. But not just here, everywhere. I want to know more, but don’t what questions to ask, more over what else to say. I mean I have my thoughts but I feel like you said it with this post. I guess I should thank you. So, thank you. I’m not better, maybe I am for the few minutes each time I re-read your words.
Yeah, I never know what to say to people here and in a lot of other situations. Thank you, for all your kind words.
You’re welcome, but I thank you again.
Im like that in alot of situations. I either wind up having a staring contest. Or on the internet I judge my own thoughts, comments.. Myself. Hoping for acceptance. I know here its alittle more relaxed due to the annoninimity.
Idk if i would consider myself depressed. As my name says I am not interested in life. Not interested in ANY kind of life. All I really want to do is die.