Ranty rant

Hey you, you know who you are.

I just wanted to write you a little something personal. And no, I am not blaming others entirely for my short comings like you think I do. And I know you say “you don’t have to be like your siblings” but I know that’s just kind of pretend.

Because I know you have done the same shit with them. For some reason they worked out better then I did. But, you told me you’re disappointed in all of us for individual reasons anyway.

Oh and I am sorry for that your dream of becoming rich and beautiful has not worked out because you married the man you love.

But before I go into the negatives, I want to genuily thank you for keeping me in line with school. That I could get an education even though I frustrated you a lot. For that, thank you.

That’s where it ends unfortunately.

Nothing ever was good enough for you. My grades weren’t up to par with my siblings who have been bringing you A’s and B’s in almost all of their classes. But it doesn’t stop there, nothing I ever do is up to your expectations. I stopped trying to get your approval, just wanted to get by with okay grades.

For all the times I needed you, you told me to get over it, ignore it or talk to my teachers. Especially when I first attempted suicide… yes the Events leading up to it were my fault… you said I should get out of the clinic as soon as possible to get back to my chemist school. And advised me not to tell my friends about it and being unnerved when I did. You said I shouldn’t take the medication because I am “fine”. You said I should hide the medication when People are over, and to never mention this to the rest of our Family. You repeated yourself when I went in the second time. You added I shouldn’t go to the psychologist afterward.

I know you weren’t happy when I bawled my eyes out because you interogated and “pushed me into a corner” by locking the door when I told you to leave because I was upset. And even unhappier, when I asked you to come with me to an appointment with our GP about being transgender.

You said you’d come along, because you love me.

Instead you barged in the door a few hours later and told me I should pack and go if I ever did anything. I would not be your child anymore. Seven years since that, can’t trust you ever since and you ask me why I don’t open up to you.

Everytime and I mean every single time I lost a Job, you blamed it on my Looks. I told you the reasons countless times, you never believe me. You tell me that my employers were lying and my coworkers were lying and it was either my hair, my look, my clothes anything other then cheap tacticts, econimical reasons or People coming back from maternal leave. “NO it is because you wore that girly shirt – Cut your hair”

And thank you for a recent compliment and told me “You’re too ugly to work in a pharmacy”

You say you mean well, and that your words have to be harsh because I won’t listen. “You know I am right, don’t be so stubborn”.

You forced me to cut my hair off… the hair that was always well kept, conditioned and combened. Always tied back where it wouldn’t interfere with work. It needed to go because you guilt tripped me into it. I needed a job and of course anything you deemed innapropiate… needed to go.

You keep telling me that my psychiatrist is a bad influence on me, because she is helping me Transition. “It saddens me whenever you go” and when I said it’s your Problem that you have a Problem with me being trans you yelled “Don’t you ever think of me?!” to which I replied that I can answer questions and assure you I am fine, whatever ruckus this causes inside you is your own to deal with. Then you said I am cold and uncaring.

Sometimes I wonder if you even realize that one of your children seriously endangered it’s life because of mental illness and emotional negligence. You don’t listen to me if things seem alright for you. Most important to you is that I have a Job and that I pay every month. Anything else seems unimportant. Unless, of course, I have fresh wounds on my arms. THEN you jump into action and ask if I am alright.

Even though I got you Information about tell-tale-signs about Depression you either choose to ignore it, or haven’t read them thouroughly.

I don’t blame you for all of my mental and social Problems. But I blame you for and empowering my fear of not finding a job as a transwoman, worthlessness and being an outcast/freak of society that will never amount to anything.

thanks for reading

Sincerely

-B_L