11 hours left.
I ended up at my mothers. I hate this place. I fucking hate this place. But I have to act normal.
I took me test. It was a bunch of mathimatical questions, story questions, thing you would answer for a high school test. It was all timed. I passed. The pizza place hired me. I am suppose to start work this Fridad at 5:30. Go through my paper work process. And get fimiliar with the job. But it’s all pointless. It’s not like I plan on living past tonight anyways. But you know what I did it. I went there and did it anyways. Because who knows if my plan is going to acord as I’ve mustered it.
I’m normal today. It’s just another day of life. Doing what I need to do. Doing what im asked. My average routines. You know? Normal. Now I have to go pick up dog shit for my mother. So I will be outside for a few hours in her almost acreage back yard. Picking up great dane shit. And two other large/medium breeds dog shit. Wonderful. Fantastic! See one of these dogs is mine. Her name is Dee Dee. She lives with my mother because I cant afford to take care of her. It’s been like that for the past four years. I’m ok with picking up my dogs shit. But not her dogs. Why? Because she loves her dogs more than she does me. I’m not kidding. But I guess if I pick up dog shit, I’ll be able to spend time with my dog outside. Watch her round around. She so happy, carefree. I wish I was a dog. A short life. Nothing to worry about. Loved. My dog is always so happy when I get to see here. Which isn’t often. She bounces around and gets very affectionate. She was my purpose to live at one point. But I never see her anymore. She is 9 years old now. I’ve had her since she was 6 months old. He life will be coming to an end soon. And honestly I don’t want to be here for it. I couldn’t stand it. The only creature I’ve had in my life that what you would call loved me. I couldn’t bare that. She would have no idea I’m dead. She would have seperation anxiety, yeah. But she won’t know the difference. It’s not like I’m around for her anymore anyways.
See if I pick up dog shit I’m able to stay at my mother for the rest of the day. I have acess to a gun, medications that for sure will kill me, I have an area I’m able to hang myself. I can suffocate myself in the garage. I can go to the lake a block away, tie the cylinder block that is in the garage to a rope, then my feet. I have acess to utility knife blades, all fresh. See I could go on and on. It’s perfect. Plus I want to die at the lake. I can walk there and end it peacefully woth any method of choice. That lake has been my ground for years. I’ve always imagined it ending there. Some stranger finding my corpse on the park bench, or hanging from the bycicle bridge. It would be a lovely sunset the day I’m found. A beautiful day, my body would reflect the light from the sun. Dew would rest on my skin. My clothes slightly wet. Maybe even boold to decorate my body. Like a piece of art work. It’s beautiful.
So for now I will pick up that dog shit. And I’ll do it with pride. Because little does anyone know that dog shit is my muse.
Just another average day.
9 comments
no disrespect dear beaubri, but if you really want to leave today please tell your bloody mum to pick up her own dog shit… thinking of you today..you are strong
oops forgot it was your dog
Hay how u doing u planning on leaving ?
Oh. I was going to see if I could message you to ask you how you were doing. But then I saw this post, and I guess that answered all of my questions.
What in particular about today makes you want it to be your last day? Anything?
What test did you take? If you don’t mind me asking
You got hired? That’s great! You’re having a really tough time, but you can go on. Believe me, I’ve felt like it was “the end” so many times, yet I’m still here and planning for my future. The secret to life is this: just keep swimming, and even though bad things happen, good times will happen too. I know you can last until Friday so you can start that job, and having a job makes so much difference.
I stayed up late last night, following your news.
Here I am again, catching up now.
It’s nice to hear you got the job, even if you don’t see yourself continuing until Friday. I hope you DO continue, and are able to pick up the pieces.
(I realize picking up the pieces is a lot harder than picking up that Great Dane poop in the yard).
Watching one of us go through this kind of crisis is like watching a diamond fall out of a ring while we’re at the sink. We see the diamond fall out and start spiralling toward the drain. We think “Ohhh, Noooooo….” and sometimes we’re able to catch it in time, but other times the diamond is just GONE, no matter now badly we want it back. It blends in with the water and becomes invisible and won’t “let” itself be saved.
That’s how I felt when Twix left us… we wanted her to stay and re-think everything, but it was like we were powerless to change the situation. She was a diamond which was already too close to the drain.
You’re a diamond, too, even if you don’t feel like one.
Will you keep spiralling toward the drain, or will you let one of us hold on to you and bring you back?
P.S. I swear I don’t own any diamond rings. I remember years ago my mother lost a diamond down the drain like that, though, and she never got it back.
I love my dog too. i would hate to leave her. amazing how wonderful they are, itsn’t it? How loving they are.
I hope you stay a bit longer.. There’s no need to rush dear, you have all the time in the world to do this.