awful

Yesterday I woke up sad and crying.  Two hours later my period started.  This isn’t the first time it’s happened, where my period coincides with a drastic turn in mood.  Maybe birth control would help?

I spent so much of yesterday crying, just hurting so much.  And today’s been pretty much the same, except I’m alone in the house.  I tried to do the things that are supposed to help; I meditated (have been somewhat regularly), I did some exercise, I’ve tried to distract myself, forced myself to do some chores and some homework.  But it doesn’t go away or lessen.  It hurts so much.

It hurts to be depressed.
It hurts to have lost experiences, opportunities, to lose the general ability to function due to a decade of depression (and anxiety).
It hurts to have lost the best thing to ever happen to me, my fiance.
It hurts that my fiance no longer wants me, and that after only four months she’s doing “okay.”
It hurts to lose my dreams of a family and now not knowing if I’ll ever have that, if I’ll ever be able to have kids.
It hurts to cry alone, when there used to be someone who always cared.
It hurts to have the person who always cared, to suddenly being someone who probably just pities me, who thinks I need hospital treatment.
It hurts to exist.

Everyone keeps saying it gets better.  But that’s what I was told ten years ago.  Six years ago, four years, now… saying it gets better without a timeline is meaningless.  If I’m not going to be happy until my 97th birthday, why bother?  A decade is long enough, I don’t know how much more I can take.