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Finally, somewhere I dont feel judged

by brighteyes77

It feels nice to write my feelings on a social media page where everyone gets me. I talk to my boyfriend all the time about my depression and bless him he’s bent over backwards to try make me happy, and as much as love him and appreciate the effort he’s going to I physically can’t change how I think or feel 🙁 its gotten to the point where he feels like he’s useless because I havent improved at all, but he’s not! And when he feels useless sometimes he gets mad and thats only been recently, I cant blame him after 2 years of having someone tell you how down they are and nothing you can do is helping. But I dont want my depression to push him away, heck I dont wanna feel depressed full stop. But he’s all I have in life, I want to get over my past demons, not be bothered by the fact I havent got a normal loving family, not self harm, and not feel so insecure I take it out on my boyfriend for having female friends. I never use to be like this and now everywhere I turn somethings really bothering me! Today I woke up and for the first time ive never been so gutted to open my eyes.. I dont want to die, that means im gone forever, I have baby nephews and sisters I care deeply about as well as my boyfriend, so I dont want to be gone,  for them. I just want to sleep,  forever, so im still here in a sense, just not dealing with life and this constant comedown. My depressions starting to affect my work life and my character.  Ive lost all confidence in meeting new people, getting a job, being interviewed, impressing my boyfriend,  being there for my little sisters. My nephews have fantasic parents, I know they’ll grow up fine.  I fear my sisters will turn out like me because we share the same mentally unfit mother, and their father isnt much help. Their loved and fed and spoilt rotten, but the behavior my mother set for us is the reason im the way I am today, and other things but mainly her. Im only 21 and desperate to start a family with my boyfriend so I can feel love again, and have the strength to go out, get a good job, drive, get a new house big enough so my sisters can live with me or atleast stay over most the week. Having my own child to cherish and smother with unconditional love, and my boyfriend would be the best father ever even if we went out seperate ways (god hope we dont), he’s amazing with children and an amazing person in general. I want my confidence back and my demons gone, I want to be happy and not rely on anti depressants or cannabis.

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4 comments

Soco 4/26/2016 - 5:20 am

Hi bright eyes, u sound like the female version of my life with my wife. I hear everything u say and have felt the same for the last 8 years. Only my drug of choice is opiates. I have depression and bipolar. My wife keeps thinking a baby will help but im scared to death that I will ruin a little persons life. U sound like u have a great bf and if I can give some advice, not judgement. Try and fix u before bringing a baby into an unstable position. Im sure u will make a great mum. But only when ur ready. Mentally and physically. I have 3 nephews and 2 nieces and I smother the shit out of them. I suggest u do the same and be an awesome aunty untill ur sorted out. Im sorry if I have offended. Sincerely didnt mean to. Good luck and take care x

brighteyes77 4/26/2016 - 5:53 am

Hey Soco! Im not offended by anything you’ve said in the slightest! You actually made me smile a bit for the honest and non judgemental response, and its more comforting you said im like the female version of you. I feel like ive lost all my humanity but I also put myself down because I think i could be so much worse off then put myself down even more for not being grateful for the good things in life. Its a helpless vicious circle. And can I say, whenever you do feel ready to have a baby with your wife, I think you’d be an amazing parent as well. Even if you have your own problems, I think youll be like me 🙂 no matter how hard stuff gets you’ll do everything in your power to never let your child see or know about that part of your life, because theirs is to precious, innocent and important to damage. Thank you for the lovely advice to, I’ll remember this feeling you just gave me for the rest of my life. You’ve given me some hope. Take care to you as well, I wish you all the best and happiness in life! We’ll both take a stand and start today to better ourselves! For ourselves, our beautiful partners and future children x

Soco 4/26/2016 - 5:28 am

When I say smother I mean it in a good way. Not literally smother them.

Soco 4/26/2016 - 6:09 am

Wow. Thank u. Hopefully talk to u soon.

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