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goodbye and thank you

by whydoiwantto

Hello everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and support the last few years. I have hit a wall and I think this is it for me. The constant pain and suffering… I just can’t deal with it anymore. So tonight is the night. I have a cocktail of sorts arranged with a backup plastic bag, I know we aren’t supposed to talk about methods so I will leave it at that, I’m not sure if it will work but I am hoping it will. This site has been a source of inspiration and just a huge amount of support and kindness. It has been really nice to meet you all. Thanks again for all your help and I hope things get better for you. Goodbye.

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15 comments

mato42 4/14/2016 - 6:34 pm

I am really sorry you have to suffer so much. I want to tell you how much is there still left to see, from new series on HBO to beautiful national parks, but I know you already thought about this deeply and much longer that I can hope to right now.

How did that last appointment go? Even if they don’t want to listen, we always do. And about the new medicine?

whydoiwantto 4/14/2016 - 7:33 pm

Hi Mato, The appointment went okay, there was no new openings for psychiatrists but I ended up going to the therapist, but she can’t prescribe medicine. Maybe things would be different if I had gotten the meds? But everyone I talked to on the phone to set up an appointment just turned me down. I was sobbing calling number after number, every single psychiatrist in the area, and was told no over and over again. The therapist was very nice and I understand what you are saying about things to see but I’ve felt this way for 10 years and I don’t want to be feeling like this for the next 10 years.

mato42 4/14/2016 - 7:49 pm

Maybe hospital or emergency can help? In our health care system it too can be a problem to get an appointment when doctors have their schedules filled, but in serious cases the hospital/ER takes care of patients who would otherwise be treated by regular day doctors and your situation definitely doesn’t seem trivial for hospital to refuse providing help.

I do understand the rationale behind your decision. But if you feel medication could help, why not try it? There isn’t much to lose. While there are a lot of cases when no can medication help, there are also a lot where it does help.

You shouldn’t have to be forced to suffer and have medical help rejected just because they “can’t fill you in”. Please consider the hospital. I wouldn’t talk about it so much if you yourself didn’t state you wanted to try it.

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/14/2016 - 7:19 pm

Will you be spending time with us tonight so you don’t have to leave by yourself? So you can have company to talk with?

whydoiwantto 4/14/2016 - 7:29 pm

Hi Hazy, That would be nice if it’s okay with you all. I feel so alone

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/14/2016 - 7:33 pm

Really that is the point of being human isn’t it? Seeking companionship. Even if that companionship is just two strangers spending time making each other a little less lonely for one night.

nuclearbackpack 4/14/2016 - 7:24 pm

I know how it is when you’ve nothing left to give and yet you somehow carry on and I know what it’s like when you hit that wall. I’m sorry.

whydoiwantto 4/14/2016 - 8:16 pm

Thank you nuclearbackpack. I appreciate your kindness

rocketman 4/14/2016 - 7:33 pm

whydoiwantto, Sounds like you don’t know what your doing, your going to make yourself very sick or worse, you need to rethink your plan.
But like HDS said you can have company to talk with, what’s inspiration and just a huge amount of support and kindness going to hurt at this point??? 🙂

whydoiwantto 4/14/2016 - 7:40 pm

Hi rocketman, I know my plan is not ideal. I know methods-talk isn’t allowed here but I think the dosage is lethal. Combining opiates with alcohol and cocaine and some other prescriptions… If this is too specific let me know and I will delete this comment. As Hazy has said a lot, good thing we don’t own guns or it would be over already!! So yes, without fire arms, no plan is 100% but my friend died a year ago from combining percocet alcohol and cocaine so I do know it can be lethal. Sorry for talking so manic-like

nias 4/14/2016 - 7:51 pm

What can I or anyone say at a time in your life such as this, at a point where you are looking to end it all. You have said that suicidal thoughts get stronger at certain times so that means they also diminish at times as well. You say you’ve had enough of the suffering and who could blame you for wishing it to end but don’t feel worthless, you are not, some people will give you that impression in this world we find ourselves in which favours the arrogant over the sensitive but there’s nothing worthless about being compassionate.
I do hope you try to see an alternative tonight, it is perhaps that other people around you don’t know or understand depression, but we on SP know the pain it unleashes. I do feel sad to know that you want to end your life tonight and can only repeat your comment that SP did help you in the past, and say that it can continue to be a source of help in the future. People do listen here and want to help and offer support in difficult times.

rocketman 4/14/2016 - 9:25 pm

whydoiwantto, hello again, i’m still not sold on you know what your doing, the word “think” bothers me, i knew someone who thought he was constipated and the next thing you know he shit his pants, 🙂 so back to the drawing board!

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/14/2016 - 10:17 pm

So if there are doubts hash them out here tonight. Don’t go into this doubting. Be sure, do all your research on the topic and have a clear head. Taking my own life takes careful planning, yours should too.

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/15/2016 - 12:01 am

Hi whydoiwantto: Just wanted to say I’ll be thinking about you. I’m headed to stare at a wall someplace but I am going to check to see if you are around after today. I am hoping you are. Kind of selfish of me but I owe you that much. Hoping that you find some breathing room tonight on some level and give yourself another chance. If not though, I bid you a gentle journey.

Dawg 4/15/2016 - 2:01 am

I think I echo Rocket’s concern. As much as I’d prefer you to not exit – it is your right to do so – In that regard I wish you peace and good fortune. That said, I think, especially from your description of your suffering, you owe it to yourself to have a more solid exit plan. Please consider postponing until you;ve had a little more time to research just how “well” the medication will interact. Going on guess work could likely end up complicating your current situation.

If you’ve made it this far – and believe me, I understand what it’s like – but take a few days to be absolutely sure and to tighten up your plan.

Whatever happens, I wish you well

concerned dawg

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