I think that I’m past the point of being depressed. Feeling has gotten old and I’m tired of it.
I was doing good for a little while, after I had attempted and survived my first suicide attempt in high school. I found things that helped, like meditation and mindfulness.
I read some self help books that really changed the way I think (I’m only mentioning this incase someone reads this, I HIGHLY recommend you read some books by Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth & The Power Of Now)
I used to be a good person. I don’t know if I am anymore. It’s been a while since anyone said I was good. All of my relationships (not just romantic ones) are ephemeral. They don’t last. I also can’t keep a job because I don’t get along with people. I try. Me giving them the cold shoulder is offensive to them, but I just don’t always feel like talking and I don’t mean to be rude to them. I had two jobs in the past week, four in the past month. That’s really how bad it is. People don’t seem to understand. I’m nice, just not talkative. I seem like an asshole because it’s not easy to smile. I try to be more upbeat, and I’m jealous of people who are – I don’t want to grow up to be like one of those miserable, old, and bitter ladies.
Even today someone told me that I’m a bad person, and I believed it. I don’t know, though. He’s manipulative. He’s manipulated me into believing a lot of negative things about myself, but I can’t cut him out of my life because he’s the only one who stays and who can tolerate me. He told me today that I am a sad, miserable person and that no one wants to be around me. He accuses me of yelling at him when I speak in a calm tone. And yes I already know that he is most definitely a psychopath or a sociopath, and positively, a narcissist.
I don’t have a lot of money, obviously, because I don’t have a lot of income. I’ve worked so many jobs the past couple of months that I didn’t even get the chance to give them my void check and just the thought of going in and giving one is dreadful. The smallest tasks seem so difficult, and it’s overwhelming. My to-do list is too long.
I am stuck on a lease, where my abusive roommate had left recently. I was emotionally abused , and also afraid that I would get physically hurt,as she;s even admitted to having cannibalistic tendencies (Messed up, right?) I slept with a knife. She was a very angry person and would get really mad at small things and try to make me miserable. I’ve never initiated any argument. I don’t like fighting.
I seem to only attract the most terrible people in my life, and I feel like this is why I think that maybe I’m not good myself, if these are the only friends I can make.
I’m 22 years old. My last relationship ended when I was fifteen. My boyfriend had actually committed suicide himself. Ever since I wasn’t able to date again. I don’t know if any of my friends know this, they probably heard of it. But, no one knows how much it has affected me and how much it still affects me. I still feel like he is haunting me and he’s always there, and I want him to go away so badly.
People think that I’m afraid of relationships and my friends back home think I’m someone I’m not. They think I’m this little mouse who is afraid of life.
I moved away to a new city, where I didn’t know anyone, two years ago. I did it to find a better life, but it just got worse, and really lonely. I hate having to go to bed, and I hate having to wake up and restart another day the same as the last. I’m young and I’m wasting so much of my youth doing this, but there’s really nothing I can do. Trust me, I try so hard. I try to be optimistic. I’m not the type to feel sorry about myself every hour of the day.
I have this secret life no one knows about. I’ve been mourning for so long. All my childhood friends have even died. I always expect death and I’m kind of numb to it.
I have severe chronic pain. Even right now I have a hard time looking at the screen because I’m in so much pain. My neurologist said it’s because of stress and anxiety. So, if I could help myself, I would. It’s just too hard to fight.
Nothing good ever happens to me, nothing good has ever happened to me. When something good comes around, I try really hard, but I don’t get excited anymore, because it always turns to shit. I don’t have friends or family. I think that maybe if I had someone to talk to, that would help tremendously, but people are too caught up into their own lives and no one really cares about anyone but themselves these days.
If nothing good happens soon, I want to die. But, I don’t, if that makes sense. I’d rather have it good than to die.