I was once a young, ambitious man. I loved smoking weed and one day I got some from California. It was really good and I sold a lot of it. Within 6 months, I was making about $2-3000 a week. I sold for about 5 years. I never had a job, just a full time dealer. Last year I spent 22k on plane tickets alone.
I would always use cash and avoid using my bank card and account, but I still managed to have 150k go through my bank account in the past 5 years. Plane tickets, for example, have to be bought on a card (or they’re really expensive if you buy them cash at the airport).
My luck caught up with me and I got a visit from the SWAT team. Ever since then, I posted bail and I have an ankle monitor and I’m on house arrest. My court keeps getting pushed back, it’s been almost a year now. They say they have up to 3 years to get me, so I might be waiting another year until I even start processing my case.
Now I work at my family’s restaurant. I work sometimes 50-60 hour weeks and it is challenging work. My mom is an alcoholic so that is unenjoyable. I live in the middle of nowhere and there’s nothing but country people out here, mostly old, also quite a few racists. I hate it.
I tell myself every day, I’m going to try and be happy. It never works. Life before was challenging, cops and robbers and all, but I was free, I made good money, I had lots of friends, and now I just have these old country people who I have nothing in common with.
I feel like my identity is fading. I don’t care about anything. I have no friends. I can’t travel. On the good days, I can make it through the day. On the bad days, I Google ‘I hate my life’ and ‘I want to die’.
I found this website, don’t know if it will help, but this is my story. One time I was having sex with my ex girlfriend, I had $30000 on my bed. Now everything is gone, I can’t do anything, and I work really hard to maintain the business that I feel like only I take serious.. And it’s not my business and probably never will be.
Unless I live here for 40 years and die out here. That’s my life. I’m trapped. I’m stuck. I hate it. I went from lifestyles of the rich and famous to a country nobody with nothing. I miss my drugs and my fun. Now I’m stuck.. With nothing but the basics… And people tell me I should be grateful…
I don’t know how much longer I can take it out here, maybe a couple of years. But deep down… I just wanna die.
7 comments
Having it all and losing it’s so hard to cope with. I’ve been there too, different scenario, owned a home, had $ to blow, could go out and meet girls pretty much whenever wanted to. That’s all the past now. Guess all I’m saying is I understand. It fucking blows, can’t just go back and make a couple different decisions to keep what you had.
At least you had it man. Most people will never even get that kind of freedom in their whole lives. Not tryina sound mean but plenty of us will never be more than dirt and barely scraping by. I think you should be grateful you ever had it decent in life. Not trying to make ya feel bad, but just sayin.
I mean going from the top to the bottom sucks. But most people never even make it halfway ya know?
Yea, sometimes when I’m sad I think about skydiving in Hawaii or awesome music festivals around the country and the pretty girls I would be with. Now everything is gone, yea I lived better than most if not almost all, but now I’m not even a person just an oppressed worker in an undesirable position.. The memories and moments can only keep me up for so long, now I face up to 60 years in jail, I would rather be dead. Everybody has their own struggle, maybe some seems better than others, but that doesn’t make things any easier
I hope you were selling more than bud to face 60 in the pen.
Do you have a good lawyer, and did you hide any of your money? (Don’t say anything here if you’ve got cash stashed away).
I went through a similar situation but all they charged me with was cultivation. I got lucky with the judge; she was an ex-hippie who got her law degree from Berkeley in the 60’s. Ha. She thought marijuana laws were unjust, so I had to pay some fines and pick up trash on the side of I-5 for 30 days. It wasn’t that bad, I didn’t go to jail or prison but the experience rattled me enough to quit. I was “sacred straight”.
You seem like an enterprising individual. If you were able to make $100k+ per year illegally in the past, you can do it again above-board in the future. I’m serious. It can be done but it won’t be as easy. You’ll have to work harder, but at least you won’t have to look over your shoulder wondering when the Narcotics Task Force is going to kick down the front door. Less risk of incarceration when you play by the rules.
You are correct too when you say that being an average, overworked everyday Joe isn’t as much fun as making obscene amounts of money illegally. I guess the trade-off is “freedom”. You can be a wage slave or you can go to prison. There is a 3rd choice, and that’s doing something for a living that you love so much you’d do it even you weren’t getting paid. I’ve heard about people who fall into that category, but I’m not one of them. (Growing weed was my all-time favorite job).
Good luck.
Welcome to rock bottom. Sand cookies are served on alternate Tuesdays.