It’s extremely sad and unfortunate when I realize that the majority of my depression and anxiety stems from my relationship with my ex. Would I be depressed and have anxiety if it weren’t for him? Yes. But I was never this bad until we broke up.
We talked last night. We decided to be just friends a while back, maybe a month or so ago… but since then he was seriously avoiding me. It caused me severe depression. I cry often. I can’t listen to music because 90% of music is about love. My heart breaks every moment. It’s bad. Anyway, he explained last night that he was avoiding me because everything we went through caused him anxiety. And then… we flirted with each other. I don’t understand why we’re not together – well I do – it’s me. We broke up because of the way I am.
This is not healthy! We cannot flirt with each other. Whenever we’re around each other we want to tear each other’s clothes off. We get along so fluidly, he’s like my right arm. I just… have problems. And so does he. He has anxiety. I have anxiety. We’re bad for each other in the best way.
Back when we broke up I said I would get help and I did. I started therapy and medication. Therapy is slow. I have 2 sessions a month and it’s only 45 minutes. That is not enough time to fix me.
All I know is that right now, and all day today, I have felt so calm. I hadn’t talked to him in almost a month and it’s been HELL. But just our stupid conversation last night about how we should stay friends and us flirting just made me feel so calm. Nobody else has made me feel calm. No medicine. No therapy. Just him. I’ve been trying to meet new people, I have met new people! I went to a birthday party of a new friend that I met at the gym, I talked to people there, I look at other guys… nothing satiates me like him though.
I don’t know what this means though. I kind of want to do a friends with benefits thing with him… but how is that possible when I actually love him? I don’t know if he still loves me, I haven’t asked. My guess is that maybe but not as much as he used to. I don’t want to get used or hurt though and that’s where it might be heading.
I’m just rambling…. I need to appreciate my calmness right now. I haven’t cried today. I haven’t thought about dying. I feel like I’ve taken a strong anxiety pill that actually works.
If you read this, bless your heart… lol… >.<
7 comments
hi claritee,
I know what this feels like.. the person I was with before, I had to break it off with her due to varying reasons, but during the time we were dating, everything seemed right with the world.. I had honestly thought that I could make it work, that I could wait for her. but no it didn’t happen.
We moved on, we still talk as friends, she’s with someone else now, but I tend to still think about what we had. I’m sure you do that too with this person..
Friends with benefits with him does not sound like the best idea right now. Especially when you think you’re still in love and you have no clue how he feels about you….
Also, it makes things all the more complicated. I don’t want you to end up being used, because he just wants to have sex with you….
If he feels the same, you could try again. If not well, you may just have to stay friends, or you may even have to cut him off, if things don’t work out…
I read all the way through hun, and I hope this helps, even a little 🙂
One of the toughest lessons learned in my life is why No Contact is best after a breakup. I would join relationship forums much like how SP exists for depression, and you’d write out these long, exquisitely detailed explanations of how the breakup went down, and it seemed like people would just reply with callous, short replies almost as if they hadn’t read everything I wrote. They’d just say that you have to stop interacting with the person. I found it to be such a painful and misguided suggestion. My brain would come up with all the reasons why that might work for other people, but wasn’t the right solution for what I was going through. Now I look back and understand why those people stated it so plainly all the time, because it’s true. Considering something like friends with benefits is moving in the wrong direction, especially when you know you still have feelings for them. Either make it official that you want to work on things as a couple, or go separate ways. A friendship may be able to exist at some point in the future, but it’s never as soon as you might thing. The only time I managed to get along with exes as friends was when a very long time would pass and then you’d unexpectedly get back in touch with each other. Even an entire month, as you say you went through recently without talking to him, isn’t enough when the connection was strong.
Every human being on earth has problems. As I get older and see some of my friends get married and then get separated in less than three years, as I see my own sibling get married and hate a lot about the relationship they ended up in, I realize how futile it is for two human beings to really want to be together for long stretches of time. But point is that many people choose that they want it and make it work. It sounds like if it were up to you, you’d want to be together with this person. A lot of times people will resort to things like “it’s best that we not be together because of our issues’ and things like that as an easier excuse than admitting that they just don’t want to do the work to stay together.
If I were you, and this is just my two cents, I’d take an event like the flirting the other night and use that to spark up a conversation about if maybe we should work on being together. And if it’s not a full commitment to realizing that you want to work things out, then it needs to be a full commitment to not interacting with each other so that you can both heal and these random flirtations don’t manage to keep occurring. Commit to either all in or all out. And if both of you still truly want a friendship to exist at some point, the friendliest thing you can for each other right now is to leave each other alone so the lingering feelings and hormones don’t end up causing a damaging situation that makes that future friendship impossible.
Don’t linger at the fork in the road like you’re doing now. Don’t even consider things like friends with benefits knowing that your heart is too involved. Either express to each other that despite the difficulties, you want to be by each others side to get through this crazy world, or pledge to not drive each other crazy by not bothering each other for a while.
Wow. I did not expect such lengthy responses. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that, both of you. And you’re right. I KNOW I need to let go. I’m just very, very scared that if I let him go… then that is it… forever.
I just know that some other girl will come along and scoop him up because they’ll see how amazing he is. And I actually fear that I’ll end up meeting someone else. I just….
I don’t want to be with anyone else but him. I know that both of us can move on. But I don’t want to! I want to choose him. We’re just not in the right spots right now. I do need to work on myself. But letting go of him in the meantime is probably one of the scariest thoughts in the world to me.
I do know that I’m torturing myself in the meantime. I do know that I need to let it go. It’s so hard.
I sent him a text that we need to talk. And I’m going to try to be strong and have a non-emotional convo with him. I’m going to either end it with him completely or something else… like maybe rules or something, I don’t know.
I don’t know if I can do this, who am I kidding?
I’m regretting ever meeting him now. Love isn’t worth this feeling.
Hi! Claritee, I have lots of experience in this area! I Would love to talk with you!
Hi… ok…do you have any advice?