This is just the same old post, made because I’m feeling lost and lonely and don’t know what else to do.
My life is probably not worth living. I don’t anticipate much in the way of happiness or meaningful events down the road. Generally speaking, anything involving human relationships is a non-starter. I’m not particularly artistic or creative. I don’t really believe in anything strongly, or care about anything that much. In other words, I am a void. My life is a big fat zero. And that feels terrible. All the things that you could’ve been, that you were supposed to be. And you’re not. You’re this. It’s hard not to despise yourself just a little.
But I won’t end it. Because of fear. Because I believe death is the end of possibility, for anything good. And although I don’t believe there’ll be real good in my life at any point, there’s always possibility. Something totally bizarre could just happen, out of the blue.
And although it probably won’t, and it’s probably not rational to stick around on the chance that reality suddenly magically changes, I can’t help it. Irrational hope just won’t die.
So I’m stuck here, making myself miserable. There’s nothing I want to do with this life, not really. It’s all just filler, ways to distract myself from the reality that I can’t be what I want to be. Which is fine, until you get too tired to do it anymore. And then you’re stuck just wanting some kind of release. But none comes.
3 comments
I read this, though I don’t really know how to respond. And that’s kind of pathetic, given how much help you’ve given me on numerous occasions. I’m sorry to let you down.
But I’m glad that you’re filled with irrational hope. Irrationality is the only real way to approach life, IMO, because life is irrational. Anything could happen, at any time. Something big and crazy. Or even something small. Maybe you’re here to accidentally save a drowning child. Or randomly stumble upon some big breakthrough in human knowledge. Like the people who discovered anesthesia while getting high at parties. Who knows.
Well the good thing about life is that you can make decisions and changes to your life.
You mention that you don’t really believe in anything. Well have you sought out something to believe in? You say that you don’t expect anything good to come from any human relationships. Well have you tried? It seems like your just expecting things to stay they way they are > but you do have the power to make choices and decisions in your life to change things.
there is somebody out there for everybody. You can make friends. You can find a mate. You can find something to believe in. You could develop artistic creativity if you seek it out and try.
Decide what you want most and need most in your life and then go after it. Seems like you are cutting off all hope in your mind. Try NOT to do that. Believe that things can get better if you put some effort into making things better for yourself.
I feel exactly the same way. I have no purpose so I’ll force myself to a concert sometimes or on a date, but RIGHT AFTER the fun is over, I’m back to my miserable life. It’s almost like what’s the point of having any fun when I always end up in the void again? Cruel joke.
I went on a date with a guy who seems pretty lonely and like he doesn’t go out much. Introverts can sense their own. Still, he had a beautiful, artsy looking house. He cared about making everything look a certain way. I could tell he was creative. Everything was in its right place and it was just a kickass house, comic-book themed. Plus he cooked delicious pasta for me. So I felt like a piece of shit because I have no desire to improve anything or start a project or be creative. He seemed alone, except for cats, but still had the will to keep things up. I just don’t care. I truly am dead inside.