All weekend I have been going back and forth, deciding whether or not to kill myself. I want to but I feel guilty about all the loose ends I have here. I don’t want to leave them untied but it doesn’t seem like I can tie them all up in time, or do it without someone maybe getting suspicious. And it wouldn’t be too hard to ignore that and do it anyway, since I won’t be around to feel guilty about it anyway, but I am a coward. I hate the way I am but it seems like so much effort to stop this once and for all by killing myself with all the pain I deserve. So for those reasons I’m still here. I have accomplished literally nothing this weekend, which is bad because I needed to accomplish a lot of things. Instead I have just been sitting here either talking myself into or out of doing it. Or trying to put it off. I read somewhere that suicidal thoughts are traumatic, which sort of sounds like bullshit but I guess it’s at least taxing. So I’ve accomplished nothing and I am just weak and lazy at the end of it all. As always. Whoever said that things will get better is a fucking delusional liar. I wish I could talk about this and get a pass of some kind, but I know that wouldn’t happen even if I did tell someone and also, that’s just more weakness and laziness. I don’t deserve any kind of pass. I should just get my shit together, and I haven’t and I seriously doubt I ever will. I wish I could just disappear.