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weakness.

by 4beyondhelp

All weekend I have been going back and forth, deciding whether or not to kill myself. I want to but I feel guilty about all the loose ends I have here. I don’t want to leave them untied but it doesn’t seem like I can tie them all up in time, or do it without someone maybe getting suspicious. And it wouldn’t be too hard to ignore that and do it anyway, since I won’t be around to feel guilty about it anyway, but I am a coward. I hate the way I am but it seems like so much effort to stop this once and for all by killing myself with all the pain I deserve. So for those reasons I’m still here. I have accomplished literally nothing this weekend, which is bad because I needed to accomplish a lot of things. Instead I have just been sitting here either talking myself into or out of doing it. Or trying to put it off. I read somewhere that suicidal thoughts are traumatic, which sort of sounds like bullshit but I guess it’s at least taxing. So I’ve accomplished nothing and I am just weak and lazy at the end of it all. As always. Whoever said that things will get better is a fucking delusional liar. I wish I could talk about this and get a pass of some kind, but I know that wouldn’t happen even if I did tell someone and also, that’s just more weakness and laziness. I don’t deserve any kind of pass. I should just get my shit together, and I haven’t and I seriously doubt I ever will. I wish I could just disappear.

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6 comments

newdanny21 4/24/2016 - 10:22 pm

That has been my weekend as well, but instead of worrying about loose ends etc I have been thinking more about the physical pain involved. Will it hurt? Yes but how much? What is the quickest method? If only I knew… despite my hoplessness I hope you get better!

4beyondhelp 4/24/2016 - 10:30 pm

I want the pain, to be honest. I like the method I have picked out. I just can’t quite bring myself to leave everything so messy, if only because someone I care about will have to clean it up afterwards. Thank you and I hope you feel better too.

newdanny21 4/24/2016 - 10:36 pm

Email me?

Cordless 4/24/2016 - 10:42 pm

My thing is that I hate pain, and I want a guaranteed 100% effective and painless exit, which currently seems impossible with the ways I’ve researched.

I hate pain.
I have enough pain with the disabilities I live with every day.
I don’t want the last thing I ever feel to be pain or discomfort of any kind.
So I’m kind of stuck here, trying to translate the pain into an occasional music project and sharing it with others who might appreciate it.

“Whoever said that things will get better is a fucking delusional liar.”

YES, it’s a pet peeve of mine when people say things WILL get better.
Because they don’t know; they can’t see into the future, and they have no business making such sure statements about it.

I prefer to think of it in these terms: “Things MIGHT get better.”
Take a gamble. Roll the dice.
It’s possible– even if it isn’t probable– that a few weeks from now, something amazing will happen that changes everything.
Or, maybe seven Tuesdays from now, something small-but-nice will happen that still makes it worth staying for.

Or maybe five YEARS from now, a miracle will happen and I will be outstandingly happy for some completely unforeseen reason.

I dunno.
Sometimes I can talk myself into taking that gamble, and being ok with whatever happens in the meantime.

gkks 4/24/2016 - 11:05 pm

You went through this weekend. And you will the next one. Take life day by day. I don’t know if things will get better for you or anyone else in here but we all are hoping they will. That’s why we are still around.

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/25/2016 - 1:05 pm

You’ve been really struggling. I don’t have a lot of answers. Sometimes the holding pattern is the journey despite me wishing it different. Sometimes it is just sitting and not doing a thing. Not because I don’t have a miillion things scheduled , but because if I don’t just sit here next to this lantana bush I’ll miss that small tan butterfly. Most people would miss it, she appears initially to be just a plain dull thing but when she alights on that small twig I can see the tiny hint of pink under the wing. Maybe you are that tiny butterfly? Maybe you are sitting watching the butterfly. Regardless though the observer and the butterfly are essentially what daily living is all about. Waking up and deciding that today is a good day to live and seeing that one butterfly for the tiny bit of pink under her wing.

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