I’m addicted to him. This beautiful man… I call him kitty. The sweetest of humans alive. He has, in the last few weeks, made me feel like love is real. Like it’s possible.
But it’s just another dangling carrot for a stupid rabbit. I can never be with him. Tonight we both admitted that.
I thought I could get better… but life just likes to show me, taunt me, with that which I want before it rips it away from me.
So I’ve decided to do a little chemistry experiment. The result will be a poison that is known for killing cattle in nature. But if I can get just a tiny little bottle of it… I figure I’ll either be dead or brain dead. I don’t care. At this point, if I had the courage I’d cut out my own heart. But I don’t. So this will give me the time to either get over it… or not.
I’m just so sick of feeling… every little thing. Every day. Feeling like suicide is just looming over me at every turn.