Despite still having this energy and whatnot, the voices and figures have made it impossible to do anything with it for the past few days – meaning I have been increasingly irritable and angry.
I haven’t gotten any work done because I can’t concentrate on anything, so the energy gets burnt off with arguments and fights with my stepdad (verbal and physical – my cheekbone is slightly bruised again, which was accidental, but I’ve covered it so no one knows anyway).
I saw my therapist on Friday and she’s happy with me – I didn’t tell her much, and my mum was going on about how ‘well I’m doing’ which is bull but whatever. I see my psychiatrist this month, and she’ll question me again. Fun.
Bree won’t leave me alone. She keeps me awake most of the night, and then she constantly with me during the day. I don’t know why my mum hasn’t questioned her being here or how loud she is of a night, but I’m happy with her not saying anything. It gives me less stress since I don’t need to admit to her that I don’t actually know how Bree gets in the house or into college with me. To be fair, she has a lanyard to get into college, so she’s allowed there – she just doesn’t go to her lessons and sits with me.
Jeremy has been visiting more often, too. I saw him for 5 days last week – only for a few hours each time, I admit, but still more than usual. And I saw him for half the day yesterday. Bree is almost constant, though.
The voices don’t stop. Specifically the angels – they’re still keeping me safe. Everyone thinks I’m handling them all now – of course they’ll think that if I haven’t told them otherwise. They think I’m keeping myself busy which distracts me from them. Nothing distracts me from them anymore. I either accept it and listen to them, or I suffer hours of pointless ‘distractions’ while I worsen everything. I just go along with it now.
My sleep is almost nonexistent, both down to the energy and voices/Bree/demons. So my days are one hell of a ride.
If I’m honest, I’m not really coping with everything anymore. I relapsed tonight after 2 or so weeks, so it’s going to be fun hiding it from family. Bree and the voices keep bringing up my tools, they’re all trying to get me to do it tonight. I don’t want to do it tonight, I don’t want to do it yet. But they haven’t shut up for weeks. I don’t know how much longer I can put it off.
My mind is losing focus, and I don’t really know where I’m going with this post anymore so I’m just going to leave it here, I guess.