So it’s almost 5 am where I live and I can’t sleep. I feel like a failure. I tried to make things better. I went to the psychiatrist and got meds, been to therapy every week, I am even trying to get insurance approval for TMS… I went to work every day like I’m supposed to. But nothing seems to be improving. If anything, the depakote makes me feel so numb, like everything is grey. I feel like I’m just jumping through hoops, going through the motions.
But I am hopeful about the TMS. It’s the only thing left I haven’t tried besides ECT. I wonder if it works what it would be like, coming out of a depression after so long… I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. I feel like so many years have been taken from me. I want it back and if TMS does that, I feel like it would be a second chance at life. This is the first time I’ve felt hopeful in a very long time.
But I have to wait a while to find out if I get approved. In the meantime the suicidal thoughts are just too much. I keep taking the meds as prescribed to try and block everything out but the depression never goes away. It seems to be a part of me.
I’m sorry for rambling. I am all over the place tonight.
Love to all, keep fighting…
6 comments
This is just a thought, but what would happen if I stopped fighting and beating off depression. The quote or theory is; What you resist, persists. What would happen if I stopped resisting. Dive in to this depression without all the medication and thinking that I HAVE TO GET RID OF IT.
I just googled TMS. Interesting drug free way. I’d never heard of it. Keep us posted on how it works.
Good to hear this new treatment prospect has brought you some hope! This is the first time I have heard of TMS. Depakote is my staple med in my own treatment – it’s a curious substance to say the least.
TMS is a lot like ECT. In fact, the two have a similar profile for results. TMS is probably the best option considering the side effects ECT can have. I hope you get approval and it winds up helping you.
I went to a seminar on TMS last spring. It is pretty new and they are finding some really interestings things about it. For some it is the only thing that works. I will say TMS does not use current but instead strong magnits. It looks to be really promising for folks that have absolutely tried everything else.
I hope you get approved. I used to be on depakote, I totally understand that grey feeling.
I had to Google TMS to find out what it was.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcranial_magnetic_stimulation
Interesting.
I thought it stood for “too much sauce”, like too much hot sauce burnin’ you up.