I wonder when this all started

I’m a freshman in highschool already having the career thing. My family’s hope weighs too much. The pressure’s giving me a hard time to breath. I think i’m having suicidal thoughts from my elementary school or earlier idk. I am enjoying life, at least on my face. I don’t hate life. It’s actually a beautiful thing. I just hate myself, that’s all. Whining over, over, over and over how weak i am. I can’t even handle the tiniest bit of adult life. I thought i had to change my weak-willedness. But i realised it all happened because i don’t have the drive to do something. When i’m angry, i just direct all that negative energy onto myself. Applying more and more weight on myself. Hating how weak i am. I’m sure i’m just a spoilt child. Having a caring and playful family. But all of it just gives me depression. Hating how fked up i am, being born into this good of a family. My family keeps telling me to work hard so that u can have a good life. I know that. My brother failed once in life, and that’s the reason my mum keeps bringing him up as a man having a hard life and to not be like him. Even my brother, himself tells me that he’s a failure. I admire him, idolize him. But today i got called “incompetend, retard”, he was trying to do a motivational speech, i think. I was trying to hide my tears by looking down. But he just thought i was being angry, saying mean things like “You’re not a bull, idiot. Getting all high and mighty, who do you think you are” making my tear harder to hide. And accused me of thinking horrible things about him, saying “I bet you’re all “just shut the f*ck up, Scram retard, Stop lying dickhead” in your mind right now”. In fact, i did as i was trying to make excuses, but it was directed at myself. At that moment i realized “Oh, i broke his trust beyond repair”. I tried to fix my laziness. For 6 months, i’ve been doing everything i can. But i overheard my family talking about me laughing, calling me “Mud idol that doesn’t move”,”disabled person” and it just blew off the smallest piece of self-esteem i’ve been trying my hardest, building up. Once again helpless, useless and lazy me. I tried to be acknowledged, I tried to make up for all those years i’ve done nothing. But just those words, those words alone blew my drive to actually try hard. I hate myself, who’s useless. And lately, i’ve been thinking about getting rid of myself. There are lots of hope for me(that i made up). In the end, i’m just clueless. Is it me who i hate? or is it everyone else who i hate? This dilemma chipping away at my sanity, bit by bit. The day i lose the last bit of my sanity’ll be the day i’ll be freed of burden.