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I’m an attention whore

by outinthedark

Today was my friends high school graduation. I went because that’s what friends do, right? During the ceremony I was sitting with my other friend, and I was texting the one guy who knows about my depression. It was light hearted and joking conversation but he’s not the best at conversation so I stopped responding because all I wanted to do was tell him how I’m doing mentally. But it wasn’t the time or place. But I haven’t seen him in a while and I got to see him today but I wasn’t able to to talk to him in person because we each had other obligations. But just seeing him is making me fall into that depressive mood because I just want to talk to him but I can’t.
But after the graduation I drove by myself home and I just wish I had someone with me. And I’m having family issues because they want to talk about other people who have depression but I don’t want them to know about me. And it just pisses me off because my mom keeps acting like she’s the expert on depression and I just need to get out of here. Anyways so today was suppose to be about my friend because she’s the one who graduated and after the graduation I just feel really lonely right now so I was texting my two friends and tried to make the conversation about me to the point where I think I am going to tell them about mydepression the next time I get the chance. But I’m not sure if I want to do that. I feel like I only want to tell them so they pay more attention to me and care more for me. I feel like I want to force them into giving a shit about me.

(Sorry if my posts jump around a lot. I just have a lot of thoughts but don’t know how to explain them fully)

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Alan Ominous 5/27/2016 - 1:22 am

There’s a lot of dynamic missing there. So it’s hard to mentally paint a picture. Do you care about your friends? Internally, reverse the roles. Your friend is quietly suffering, would you want them to come to you? Would you be there?
Don’t answer me, but try to look at the situation objectively. If you’re generally the person who is there for others, then it’s OK to want them there for you. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the oil.

I think of a surgeon, on a battlefield. He’s diligently patching soldiers when …BOOM! His arms blown off. Is it attention whoring for him to expect to be patched up? Hardly.

AllHopeAbandon 5/27/2016 - 4:49 am

The only people who seem to give a shit about depression are the one’s who actually are depressed or have had depression…everyone else else is gonna try to ‘cheer you up’ which just isn’t the case. I haven’t told anyone that I’ve been struggling with severe depression for 10 years or so and I am amazed that no one has noticed that I’m happier when I am alone, am uncomfortable at family functions – watching the clock until I can say ‘hey! gotta go…I have this thing I’m doing today’ (watching tv on the couch in the dark by myself). I realize that my family must be complete morons for not seeing me for what I am suffering with…guess they are in denial as we have 2 clinical nurses in the fam and everyone else is pretty much smart enough to have procured very successful lives for themselves…and I am that family member who lives 3 hours away. In their defense, I do make things up about what I do on the weekends and with whom and put on that ‘I’m not depressed, no not me, depression, you say? What’s depression? depression is for the weak…etc’ so they think ‘maybe he has depression’ and I guess I tell them the things that make them think I don’t and then ***** that they don’t realize that I’m depressed because I’ve been functioning depressed so long that I have learned how to fool everyone and anyone who gets a whiff of my smelly, smelly depression. So, I guess you could tell them, whomever it is you wish to tell, but what will the average person do besides say ‘what do you have to be depressed about? You don’t know what REAL problems are! I was depressed for a month once. Cheer up!’ I guess I’m saying the people who aren’t intimate with depression (unless they are a councillor in the field) are probably gonna be of little help, but tell them if you want to know how annoying pure ignorance can be. ~ AHA

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