My life and mindset changed irrevocably 29 months ago. i don’t really remember how!
i don’t write diary so idk, and don’t really remember anything before these two and half years.
i just remember that i was okay, maybe “happy”, just another one. anyways.
jan 2014, i decided that i can’t enter my high school finals exams cause i was afraid of not doing good and can’t go to the college that i always wanted. somehow my i drifted apart from my best “friends” and locked myself in my room for the rest of the year, about 6 months in my room alone.
my parents work all the time, so i cant blame them. and i know i dealt with is wrong.
but i doesn’t matter now. it was the worst period of time ever. i wasn’t used to that loneliness and i was cryng all the time and i was just pathetic!
September 2014 i started my repeated year again, alone, and it was okay for the first semester, after the break between the semesters i couldn’t deal with people after 6 months alone, i couldn’t just deal with them. i hate myself.
i knew that something is wrong, i don’t enjoy anything anymore!
is it fair to blame my old friends, to say that they let me down when i needed them? or it is just my fault?
anyway, i didn’t study anything the whole second semester and couldn’t go to the college that i wanted!
September 2015, i started college!
it is almost a year now at college and I’ve never talked to anyone there, i didn’t make any friends.
i think i’m worthless, i don’t know what do i want? love? happiness? meaningful life? Death?
i think about death all the time! i tried couple of times to commit suicide, and i will try again next 13th of the month
i think it’s so peaceful and merciful, not exist anymore!
and end all that pain! i just fucked up, and i really wanna finish it!
i hate God so mush, if he’s real, i hate myself