I am a 36 year old man living in a small city in the Netherlands.
Every day, early in the morning, I leave my home to teach math to my students at the school I work.
I love it when my students understand the difficult equations, counting problems and geometry questions they try to solve.
I love it when I can make my students smile and laugh when I tell my stories and jokes to motivate them.
At those moments I remember the joy of my work and a reason to carry on.
Both my parents still live and I love them very much. I have always said that I will not leave them even when the dark consumes me.
I love my brother and thus I have three more reasons to carry on.
Behind my mask of smiles and jokes, behind my clown mask I feel the dark creeping inside of me.
It feels cold and makes me passive, it whispers doubt and I evade social encounters, it feels heavy and makes me so very tired.
In the eyes of my students I am a good teacher. I even won a price. But you will never hear me say that I believe I am a good teacher. I can always improve myself.
Someone asked me why I have no girlfriend. At that moment I made a joke about how my parents-in-law were not able to have children.
And telling him about the scene in the Simpsons where barman Moe tells himself that somewhere in the world his love lives.
At that moment the scene moves to an apartment where a woman hangs herself.
My answer had to be the following:
If you have love then you know he or she is better in something then the rest. That is why you love him or her.
I am not the smartest, the prettiest, the fittest, and the funniest.
I have two left hands and try to hammer a nail in a board with a screwdriver. I do not have green thumbs and even my cactus died.
This is the truth, I can show you hundreds upon hundreds men better than me so why would someone loves me? That would be my answer.
And so when I play my games I look at the box if it can be played alone, when I do my groceries I do it for one and why laughing when no one can enjoy it with me.
And so I always sit alone after the class ended knowing my students will forget me in time.
I sit on the cough at home each night staring at the screen of a tablet doing nothing but waiting and sleeping in a bed too big for one.
The dark has many faces and his face of loneliness is one of them.
8 comments
Hello ^_^ and welcome. I hope you enjoy your time here 😀
I sort of want to address that you think your students will forget you over time…. That is probably not true at all, many people seem to remember their teachers, both the ones they have had early in life and the ones late…. Well at least some of the teachers, and if everybody remembers some of them, that means a good chunk of your students probably remember you, especially since you make them laugh and generally sound like you are rather good at it…. Good teachers can really shape people.
Also I’m certain that you are deserving of love and able to be loved…. Sure you may not be the best in some categories, but I’m certain there are others that you are the best in…. Like one thing I can say that is probably very good about you is that I’m certain that you are very caring and probably pretty nice…. I predict those based off of the fact that you are a teacher (that takes actually caring about people to want to do) and you are considerate of the feelings of your family and students…. Also another good thing, you are employed that never hurts with the entire dating thing…. And you make your students smile and laugh, so you can probably do the same with other people too, I’m sure that you’re lovely to be around.
Welp I wish you the best of luck, have good days ^_^
Hey welcome. I hope this place can alleviate a bit of the loneliness. Let’s just say I’m well acquainted with loneliness as well, and I really hope that one day you’ll leave it behind. Lastly, I can assure you that at least some of your students will never forget you. Don’t underestimate the impact a great teacher can have.
I believe this is the best first post I’ve ever seen on this site. You are so articulate, and you perfectly conveyed the despair of loneliness in a rational way. That makes it even more tragic than an emotional plea.
I’m not going to tell you that you’ll find someone, or that things get better, or that there’s hope. Because there’s an equal chance of success or failure. But one thing is for sure, you have expressed what so many people feel, in such a powerful way. That is worth something?
Yup, best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
Did I make you smile with my dark humour, SmilingClown ? I hope I did because it’s all I got.
Your mother N father in law were unable to have kids comment made me laugh out loud.
Welcome, compadre.
You say that your kids will forget you with time. You couldn’t be more wrong. I remember all of my teachers that impacted me, even in the slightest of ways, both good and bad. Its just better to be remembered for the good stuff. And you seem like a teacher that tries his best to help his kids. Being a teacher you have so much power and responsibility, you affect the future. You educate, you mentor, you are so much more important than you realize. Loving someone is not based on how much better they are in something than other people. That is not love. Loving someone is loving them despite all of their flaws. There is always somebody smarter, more athletic, richer than you. I don’t know whether everyone has a soulmate or even if everyone did that they would actually find him/her. But you can’t give up all hope, you have to be the best you, you can be and the right person will be drawn to you. Love yourself first. I wish you the best in this fight against the hurt.
I really wanted to write something nice because you seem worth it. People who said things before me are right and I feel there’s nothing better I could add.
This post is amazing.
This is how it feels. Life seems great and YET there’s that thing missing.
Oh, I wish you luck.
I wish you find your love.
You are worth it.
P.S. As a young female I must say I used to get crushes on my teachers and now professors all the time and those were not the most beautiful and fit men. I liked that they are smart. I liked their humor. There is that type of girls everywhere. Sure, don’t look for a lover in a student but girls like me grow up to be women who still like men who can teach them how to solve a equation. You will find one!
Thank you all for taking your precious time and to write down those lovely words. I have to think hard to find the right words to create the sentences that describe my thoughts and to express my feelings without being irrational or complex. I want to be integer and rational. There are so many men and women, so many beautiful people, who are searching for a shoulder, a smile, a laugh, an ear, a kick in their rear. Being a teacher I felt it has always been my task to be that shoulder, that ear, that person to put a smile on a students face and to kick some lazy student in his rear so he starts doing his homework. It felt as it was my purpose. All teachers do this, right? I am not special for doing this.
By the way Shatterederis I am not that easy around others because I can only talk about boardgames, computergames, fantasy, math, work, my students and cooking. 😉 Thank you for your kind words though. I will try to never underestimate my part in my student’s life punkcinderella. Thank you for those wise words. I believe I will never leave my dark behind SadPotato. Have you? But I feel so much warmth and understanding from you all, you beautiful ones. I will use your words to strengthen my spirit. Thank you bunnyeyes for your sweet words. Am I worth it? Maybe I am. Dark humour is the best Escalado (but be careful being cynical. OK) Yes I smiled reading your comment my friend. Once I was told that I was in a mid-life crisis. I laughed and said it was impossible for I lived more then half my life already. 😉
Never was my post intended to be an emotional plea. Thank you for seeing this Another_scorcher. Is it more tragic this way? In do not know, it is how I am.
Let the sun be at your side everyone.
I can assure you, there are many teachers who don’t strive to put smiles on their student’s faces, who don’t provide that crucial shoulder or ear, or who don’t motivate the lazy ones. It’s sounds like you’re a great teacher, and for that I say thank you. Few jobs are as important as educating future generations. Your question to me…I’ll be blunt. No, I haven’t left my dark behind. I’ve draped myself in it, I hold it close. It’s a part of my identity. However, it doesn’t control me, and I will never allow it to spread to others. So, as I said, I keep it close. O and anytime you want, feel free to talk to me about fantasy, cooking, and videogames. I think I have enough knowledge in those fields to chat with you about those things if you feel the need to do so.