Maybe its time now

When I was 10 years old was the first time i felt and tough about wanting to die. And since that age, every now and then, depression and anxiety visits me and stays a few months feeling horrible, psychologists? No thx I dont trust them the obes I found where nit very competent. I just try to stay strong and post pone and not put a date over suicide toughs. But now at 42 years old I feel is a right time to put a date, enough is enough